28 years

                I’ll be twenty-eight tomorrow and I can’t help but look back on the last decade and see what the Lord has done in my life. Those (almost) twenty-eight years of singleness have taught me a lot about my relationship with the Lord. It’s brought me closer to him. It’s taught me trust and dependence on him alone. It’s taught me I don’t always need what I think I do. It’s brought me down hard paths, times full of goodness, and a life full of love from my creator. 

                The years of singleness have been hard sometimes, and full of tears from time to time, but I wouldn’t give up one moment of them because each of them have built a relationship with my Savior I would never give up. 

                Life has changed a lot for me since May. It’s changed so much sometimes I still don’t believe the gifts God has placed in my life are quite real.  It amazes me how quickly life can change and how sometimes God is so good I feel as if I don’t deserve the gifts he gives. 

                Last May my mom shared a story with me about a woman who through life’s hard times was willing to give up her will for God’s and say yes to him even when it would have been easier to say no. After more than a decade of saying yes to God during the hard times, her life abounded with amazing good gifts from God. So she turned to God and asked him why he was giving her so much. He simply replied, “Because you said ‘yes’ when you would’ve rather said ‘no.’”

                My mom told me she felt as though God wanted her to share the story with me because he was about to do something wonderful in my life because I too had been willing to say ‘yes’ to him.

Two days later the guy I liked (and I mean really liked) asked me out.

                Now if you’ve been following my blog you know I’ve never dated and never even had a crush on a boy, but this boy, oh this boy, I had a crush on big time. I’d met him the fall before, but never noticed him “that” way until April. Suddenly, he was all I could think about. I even told a friend that if she could hear everything running through my head she’d shoot me because it felt like I was up one second and then down the next. 

                I wasn’t sure if he liked me or even if it was within God’s will, so I dedicated hours to praying that his will be done. I prayed that if it wasn’t in his will that he’d take the feelings away; that I could walk away and forget all about it.

I prayed that no matter what, I live within his will even if it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to know that should the relationship happen it came about because HE willed it, not me. 

                Through it all I kept checking with God to make sure he was holding onto the key. I was afraid that somehow, some way, I was going to inadvertently take the key away from him, but each and every time he gently reassured me he was securely holding it. 

                The weekend he (from here on out known as G) asked me out I came away from church absolutely positive he didn’t like me the same way I liked him (unknown to me he’d planned to ask me out after church, but was distracted by someone else). 

I drove home that day and cried. My hopes were crushed and I felt as though the only thing I could do was give up my hopes and dreams to God. Obviously, my desires where not the same as God’s and I needed to give them into his keeping. 

I spent all of Sunday and most of Monday feeling depressed and fighting to place my desires within God’s grasp. In a way it felt as though God was asking me to give up My Isaac again (see the post “Giving up Isaac”). He was asking if his will was more important than mine. If I was willing to give up everything I wanted for his will in my life. It hurt, but I knew I did. 

Monday afternoon, still feeling down, I picked up my Bible and opened it to Psalms hoping to find comfort there.  And there in Psalm 27:13-14  I found it,

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

It felt like a promise from God, that no matter the heartache now, he was still going to work good in my life; all I had to do was take heart and wait for the Lord.

Encouraged I got up to make myself some tea. On my way back to my room I noticed my phone had a message from Facebook on it. Curious as to who was sending me a private message I opened it only to find it was from G! In it, he asked if I’d like to go out for coffee sometime. A second message asked if Wednesday would work. 

Giddy, I answered, I’d love to! (Of course!)

It wasn’t until later I noticed his first message had been sent Sunday afternoon and the second sent Monday night. My phone never alerted me to the first message, even though I had been on Facebook several times during that time. 

Despite the anxiety it left G with, I believe God hid that first message from me because he wanted me to fully give up my will and give into his before he gifted me with the thing I wanted most. I was reminded once again that I would “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Two months have passed since that day and life just feels like it keeps getting better and better. There is no one I’d rather spend my time with, and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual ;)

 I look at him now and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God’s will and blessing is upon this relationship and that knowledge fills me overflowing with joy.

There have been so many moments in this relationship where I have seen God at work answering asked and unasked prayers.

Like a wonderful family friend telling him I was sweet girl and he’d never regret it if he asked me out :) 

Or the night I just really wanted him to text, not because I texted him, but just because he was thinking about me. I prayed and half an hour later he sent me the sweetest text with the picture of a flower.

Or how, I’d been praying for weeks for him to bring up whether we we’re officially dating or not, and God used someone to prompt him into asking me.

I cannot truly express with words how absolutely amazing and wonderful it is to know this relationship was (and is) orchestrated and blessed by God. 

God is good. He is good when all else looks bleak. He is good when his will trumps my own. He is good when life overflows with blessings.

Looking back at the past 28 years I know, beyond any doubt, despite how happy G makes me, I wouldn’t give up one moment of my single years. It was in those moments, turned into years, that I grew in the Lord. My relationship with him is more important than any earthly one no matter how much I may like a certain someone and I wouldn’t want to lose one moment of them.

When Lies Become the Truth

I just heard on the radio that 63% of Christian singles on Mingle.com and similar dating sites say they'd have sex before marriage. It breaks my heart that so many young people don't see anything wrong with that. I think what hurts the most is knowledge that a living breathing relationship with God is missing from so many young people's lives.

I also realize, however, that we, as Christians, are often deceived and tempted into sin. Just because in the past you slept with someone outside of marriage doesn't mean you don't have a real relationship with God. It's when you enter into the dating scene believing from the start that it’s okay to have premarital sex that something vital is missing from your relationship with God. And it's that fact that hurts that most. 

When the Lord's presence is real and at work in your life you know when you're living in disobedience. You know because he won't leave you alone. He brings people and things into your life to show you. There's a shadow that seems to hover over your heart and never goes away, at least not until you acknowledge your sin and start to change.

I originally started writing about my experiences as young single Christian woman for reasons just like this. I wanted others to know and experience the joys of a relationship with a Savior who died to know them. Yes, it can be hard at times, but no other relationship even comes close to the one found in Jesus. When I hear stories and statistics like this one my heart breaks because there are so many "Christians" out there who are obviously lacking that relationship.

How have we come so far from the truth? When did we start substituting lies for truth? When did we let what the world tells us become our basis for moral living rather that what God tells us? I wish I could put into words the hurt I feel at lack of a living relationship with God so many people have in their lives, especially when I know the joys of being in God's presence, but words tend to fall so short.

I didn't write this today to judge anyone or make anyone feel bad, because I am the last person to judge, but only because I wish so much more for our culture.

Waiting-When We Don't Want To; For the Girls, Part 5: Singleness

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for a new book to come in the mail or the next Netflix DVD to arrive. I hate waiting for the cookies to come out of the oven or for vacation to start. Despite my dislike of waiting there is nothing I can do to make time move faster. The cookies won’t bake faster just because I want to eat them and the next DVD won’t come in the mail just because I wish it to be so. Like it or not waiting is a part of life I can’t avoid or make go faster. Time will plod on or zip past at its normal speed no matter what I do.

Patience has become a lost art in our culture. If we want a mocha latte we hop in the car and drive down to the nearest coffee shop to order ourselves one. If the movie rental place doesn’t have the movie we want we can easily go online and order it through the mail. In a day or two we’ll be in front of the T.V. enjoying our latest selection. 

Almost anything we desire can be found online. Want a bluetooth lock for your front door? Just head on over to Amazon and order yourself one. How about information on the indigenousness people of Australia? Well, Google’s got about 1,323 pages of suggestions for you. Almost anything we question or want can be found by typing a few keywords into the search engine of our choice. 

Instant gratification is one of the reasons waiting on God’s timing is so hard. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself with fingers hovering over the keyboard trying to think of a way I could word my query so Google would tell me where to find my future husband. Obviously, Google can’t tell me where he is and neither can anyone else, but it’s been so ingrained into me to turn to Google with my unanswered questions that my brain automatically directs me there.

Despite my desire to trust God and wait on his timing I still struggle with why he is making me wait. If he hasn’t made Sally, Michael, or Beth wait, why must I? I think it’s a question that lies heavy on the hearts of many of us. We’ve been faithful, we’ve waited, and we’ve obeyed even when it’s been hard, and yet we’re still single while the rest of our friends date, get married, and have children.

I’ve come to the conclusion that God keeps us single for a reason. I look back on the years that have past and I can clearly see, had I been married at a younger age, I would have matured differently. I would have been shaped by my husband as much as he was shaped by me. I believe the twenty-seven years of the singleness God has sent my way have shaped me for a future only he can see. I’ve been set upon this path because the character and personality I am molding today is needed for the future he has planned for me. Despite my longing for a companion along the journey of life I know his plans lead to sweeter places than I could dream up on my own. His way is always better than my own.

There was point in my life where I tried online dating. It was horrible tortuous affair. Not because of people on the sites, but because deep down I felt as though I was pushing my agenda over God’s. He’d prod me to listen, but I was lonely and tired of being alone, so I’d find ways to justify keeping my account open. Things like: since there’s no eligible men here I guess my only option is finding them online, or, I’m getting older and I need to find someone soon. However, God slowly poked holes in all my arguments, and even though I didn’t necessarily want to, I reluctantly closed my account (since then, I’m immensely glad I did).

I’m not saying online dating is bad, but I get the feeling that many of us use it as a way of circumventing God’s design for our lives. In effect, it’s us stating that God isn’t powerful or all-knowing enough to send us the correct mate. And if he’s not powerful enough to send them along, then we need to go out and find them ourselves. If we believe God can send the perfect person along then it shouldn’t matter if we're living in a hut in Africa or the heart of New York. Where ever we are, God is faithful to send the right person along, at the right time, if it’s within his plan for our life.

At some point, while in college, I was given the impression I was still single because I hadn’t yet learned to be fully satisfied by God. If I wanted to get married, I needed to grow closer to him and learn to be completely and fully satisfied by him. Once I reached that fabled point God would finally grant me a husband. 

I think most of us have been fed this lie.And yet, I know, no matter how hard I try, my relationship with God will never be perfect. It will never reach a place where I feel I no longer need to grow. Each day I grow closer to him only amplifies the fact that I still have so much further to go. It shows me how very much I still need him and how very far I am from being fully satisfied in him. And I bet, if you asked any of your married friends, you’d find none of them felt they had the perfect relationship with God before they were married (or after) either.  It’s a continual growth process that will last me until old age and beyond.

                I can choose to see my years of waiting as blessing or a curse. I can bemoan my single state or I can learn to see the beauty of it. If I spend my single years angry, depressed, dissatisfied, or always waiting to live my life until my spouse shows up I’m going to miss out on all the opportunities God has placed before me to serve him and the blessings that go along with them.

                I’d rather live out my single years, whether they last one year or fifty, living for God and falling deeper into his heart, than sitting by waiting to live until I’m married. Should he never show I’d have lived a wasted life, and even if he did, I’d have still lived wasted years waiting for him. These years of waiting have been given as gift and I must choose to accept them with grace and joy or disdain and ungratefulness.

                There is something inexplicably precious about getting to know the Lord with just you and him. No spouse to distract you. No children to put first. Just you and him and the chance to know each other intimately. So precious a gift is often missed when we pine for future things over the gift of the present.

I leave you with the beautiful and convicting words of Elizabeth-Ann Horsford,

“One of the greatest advantages of the single life is freedom -- freedom to come and go as much as we please without having to consult with husband, wife or children.... But freedom does have responsibility. One day I shall have to account for how I used my freedom. Have I been selfishly indulgent, living to please myself, wasting my time? Have I spent my time wallowing in self-pity about my single state or about some problem? ... One of the keys to a fulfilled life is a willingness to give ourselves for others. Jesus said, 'For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.' ”

Giving Up Isaac; For the Girls, Part 4: Singleness

“God said to him, ‘Abraham!’”
“’Here I am,’ he replied”
“Then God said, “Take your son, your only
son, Isaac, whom you love… and sacrifice him as a burnt offering…”

-Genesis 22:1-2

Last August I walked down a pine needle strewn path while my heart slowly broke. The summer sun filtered through the trees warming my skin and yet I had never felt so cold. How could God, the God I knew and loved, ask something so hard, so heartbreaking that it would be the end of my life as I knew it? Yes, he’d often asked things of me I didn’t want to give, but this time he was asking for something so integral to who I was, giving it up would forever alter the path of my life.

It was the dying of a dream, so real, so close to my heart, that giving in to him felt like ripping a part of my soul out. I begged him not to ask it of me. That he leave my heart intact because the pain was more than I could bear.

God is nothing but a relentless God, however, so the tears flowed and the pain lanced through me as he asked me once again to relinquish my plans of getting married and having a family. I’d held this dream since the time I was small. There was nothing I’d wanted more. When people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up I’d give them various answers, but inside, I always knew what I really wanted to be, a wife and a mother. Nothing else appealed to me, so much so, I almost didn’t go to college. When I finally did go, I only went for two years because I was sure during those years God would send my spouse along. When he didn’t show in college I kept the flame of hope alive year after year because there was nothing in this world I wanted more. I never planned ahead too much because I was always waiting for him to appear so I could map my life to his. 

Then, on a summer day in August, he asked me give it all up. To think about being thirty-four and single (don’t ask me why that age, I have no idea). The thought sent me into tears. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted a husband and children. Why was that so horrible?

Two weeks went by where he’d ask me to give up my dream and I’d walk the pine strewn path fighting him and tears. One night, while at work, I asked a woman for her birthday. When I saw she was thirty-four and either dating or married, I almost broke down in tears. Every time I considered being thirty-something and single I cried. I was okay being single for the moment, but the thought of always being single was more than I could handle.

During one of our walks God brought up Abraham and Isaac. God was asking me for the hardest thing I’d ever given and yet he’d asked something so terrible, so horrific, of Abraham that my pain paled in comparison. 

Despite the terrible request Abraham obeyed. He packed up Isaac, two servants, waved good-bye to Sarah and headed for the mountain all without saying a word to anyone. Nowhere in the text does it even hint Abraham argued with God. 

Abraham obeyed but I find it hard to believe he didn’t beg God, his heart, to change his mind all the way to Moriah; however, God didn’t relent and so Abraham walked Isaac to the top of the mountain, bound him, and prepared to kill his beloved son. As Abraham took the knife to slay his son God stopped him and saved Isaac. God had asked for the one thing Abraham loved above all else because he wanted to know if Abrahams faithfulness and obedience to God was greater than his love for his son. 

Isaac was Abraham’s dream. Long after Abraham had given up on having a son, God worked a miracle so Sarah could bear a son. From this son God promised a nation would be born more numerous than the stars. Abraham was elated. Here at last was the fulfillment of his lifelong dream and God’s promise. The future was bright with possibilities. Then, on that fateful night, years later, God asked for the dream back. He asked for everything Abraham ever wanted. He asked for Isaac. (I wrote a recount of his journey, in my words, here)

Could I give up my Isaac? The one dream I’d held onto longer than anything else? Just as there wasn’t anything wrong with Abraham’s love for his son there was nothing wrong with my dream. There was nothing sinful in wanting to get married and have kids, but my refusal to give into God was.

Over and over God asked if I was willing to give up my own personal Isaac. Over and over he reminded of Abraham’s obedience. And over and over he asked me to submit. 

Two weeks went by with us silently battling it out. I desperately wanted to obey and live out God’s will in my life. I knew his way was better than mine, but I also desperately wanted my dream. I didn’t want to be old and alone (not saying thirty-four was old, I was thinking more like sixty and alone). It was everything to me and I wanted it so very, very badly. It felt as though God was regulating me to the bench to watch the rest of the world play when all I wanted to do was join the game. 

Could I give up the one dream that I had held onto through everything? Could I be content living my life apart living for his love, his will, and his plan? Was I willing to trust his will was better than my own; that his plan for my life was greater than my own dreams, hopes, and desires? 

A part of me wanted to obey, was even excited to obey because I knew his plan for my life was greater than anything I could’ve ever dreamed up, but another part resisted giving up the one thing I’d always wanted. 

I had come to a crossroads, I could give up my dream and follow God’s unknowable plan for my life or I could cling to my plans rejecting the path God wanted for me. As I wrestled with God I realized I didn’t want my plans anywhere near as much as I longed for the adventure God had set before me. I knew where my plans where headed, inescapable longing for a dream that may never materialize and desire for something more than the love of a good man. I had no idea where God’s plan would lead me but I knew one thing with clarity, with his plan all my dreams would be filled. They may not be the ones I hold now, but the desires of my heart, the ones God placed there, would be filled beyond my wildest imagination.

I’m not saying the earthly dreams I hold now or even those I hold in the future will be filled, what I am saying is the nearer I walk with God the more his desires will become my desires. “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. If I am truly living for God in every aspect of my life than my heart will naturally begin to long for the things that please God. My focus will no longer be on the things of this world but on the things above. His ways will become my ways and his desires my desires.

It’s been almost a year since I walked that pine needle strewn path and it’s been one amazing year. Has God brought a guy into my life? Not even close. Instead, he’s brought himself into my life and I’m amazed by the work he has wrought within my heart.

Do I have days where I still long to be wanted by a guy; to be married and raising kids? Oh yes I do! But the craving has diminished. If God should bring these blessings into my life I would be excited, but my fear of being single is slowly fading.

There are days where I still struggle with giving up my dream of marriage. Days where I feel the longing for marriage and a family keenly. Despite these days, however, I rest in the knowledge of knowing, should God choose not to bless me in such a way, I will be fine all because I know he has a plan and purpose for me.

Recently, I read Get Lost by Dannah Gresh. In it she encourages young women to give 10 days to God. 10 days without guys, whether you’re married, dating, or single. 10 days where it’s just you and God growing in relationship.

I jumped at the challenge because I wanted to give more of myself to God. My soul was thirsty and I wanted to soak in his presence. I loved the words Gresh shared and I could feel God at work in my heart. I spent close to an hour every morning praying and reading my bible and Get Lost. On day three of the challenge, instead of the original 10 days, God asked me for six months. Six months where I would give up boys (even if one did come along). Six months where it would just be God and I getting to know each other better and letting our relationship grow. The thought of living six months wholly inside his presence thrilled me. I was so excited about the growth he would work in me I barely had to think about giving it over to him. My soul was thirsty and it drank in the thought of six glorious months in his presence. Then day eight came.

On day eight God asked for a year. A year of him and me exclusively. A year, where if a guy should miraculously show up in my life, I would have to give him up.  Six months I was fine with, but I year I wasn’t so sure about. I was mere weeks away from being 27 and what if “the one” should show up during that year? I wasn’t getting any younger and I could just feel my child-bearing years swiftly falling away. Could I really give up the one chance I might have at a relationship? The doubts and worries crowded my mind, but the work God began in my life last August softened my heart towards his will. 

I was reminded my life is not my own. I wasn’t sent here to live out my wills and desires. I was created to live out my life for the work of my Savior and if the whole of my life was meant for him what was one year of it? Every year, every moment of my life, should be lived in such a way that I am living and breathing his will. When I compared a year of my life, a year that should be his anyway, to the whole my life it was relatively easy to give him what he asked.

It’s been four months since I gave in to his leading and it’s amazing how much my relationship with him has grown in this short amount of time. I cannot begin to tell you the excitement I carry inside when I think about what a year alone in his presence will do in my heart and life.

Now the prayer I wake up with every morning is that I sink so fully into his heartbeat I lose all that I am in him, that I lose myself so fully in him I never find my way out.

My challenge to anyone reading this is to set aside designated time for God. Not just the single ladies either, but those married or dating as well. I pray that God works within each of your hearts to set apart time for him, whether that time be a week, 10 days, a month, or a year. Maybe you’ll start with a week and find God is asking for more. Whatever it may be I pray you have heart willing and ready to be molded by him. That you become ever more like him every moment of every day.