28 years

                I’ll be twenty-eight tomorrow and I can’t help but look back on the last decade and see what the Lord has done in my life. Those (almost) twenty-eight years of singleness have taught me a lot about my relationship with the Lord. It’s brought me closer to him. It’s taught me trust and dependence on him alone. It’s taught me I don’t always need what I think I do. It’s brought me down hard paths, times full of goodness, and a life full of love from my creator. 

                The years of singleness have been hard sometimes, and full of tears from time to time, but I wouldn’t give up one moment of them because each of them have built a relationship with my Savior I would never give up. 

                Life has changed a lot for me since May. It’s changed so much sometimes I still don’t believe the gifts God has placed in my life are quite real.  It amazes me how quickly life can change and how sometimes God is so good I feel as if I don’t deserve the gifts he gives. 

                Last May my mom shared a story with me about a woman who through life’s hard times was willing to give up her will for God’s and say yes to him even when it would have been easier to say no. After more than a decade of saying yes to God during the hard times, her life abounded with amazing good gifts from God. So she turned to God and asked him why he was giving her so much. He simply replied, “Because you said ‘yes’ when you would’ve rather said ‘no.’”

                My mom told me she felt as though God wanted her to share the story with me because he was about to do something wonderful in my life because I too had been willing to say ‘yes’ to him.

Two days later the guy I liked (and I mean really liked) asked me out.

                Now if you’ve been following my blog you know I’ve never dated and never even had a crush on a boy, but this boy, oh this boy, I had a crush on big time. I’d met him the fall before, but never noticed him “that” way until April. Suddenly, he was all I could think about. I even told a friend that if she could hear everything running through my head she’d shoot me because it felt like I was up one second and then down the next. 

                I wasn’t sure if he liked me or even if it was within God’s will, so I dedicated hours to praying that his will be done. I prayed that if it wasn’t in his will that he’d take the feelings away; that I could walk away and forget all about it.

I prayed that no matter what, I live within his will even if it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to know that should the relationship happen it came about because HE willed it, not me. 

                Through it all I kept checking with God to make sure he was holding onto the key. I was afraid that somehow, some way, I was going to inadvertently take the key away from him, but each and every time he gently reassured me he was securely holding it. 

                The weekend he (from here on out known as G) asked me out I came away from church absolutely positive he didn’t like me the same way I liked him (unknown to me he’d planned to ask me out after church, but was distracted by someone else). 

I drove home that day and cried. My hopes were crushed and I felt as though the only thing I could do was give up my hopes and dreams to God. Obviously, my desires where not the same as God’s and I needed to give them into his keeping. 

I spent all of Sunday and most of Monday feeling depressed and fighting to place my desires within God’s grasp. In a way it felt as though God was asking me to give up My Isaac again (see the post “Giving up Isaac”). He was asking if his will was more important than mine. If I was willing to give up everything I wanted for his will in my life. It hurt, but I knew I did. 

Monday afternoon, still feeling down, I picked up my Bible and opened it to Psalms hoping to find comfort there.  And there in Psalm 27:13-14  I found it,

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

It felt like a promise from God, that no matter the heartache now, he was still going to work good in my life; all I had to do was take heart and wait for the Lord.

Encouraged I got up to make myself some tea. On my way back to my room I noticed my phone had a message from Facebook on it. Curious as to who was sending me a private message I opened it only to find it was from G! In it, he asked if I’d like to go out for coffee sometime. A second message asked if Wednesday would work. 

Giddy, I answered, I’d love to! (Of course!)

It wasn’t until later I noticed his first message had been sent Sunday afternoon and the second sent Monday night. My phone never alerted me to the first message, even though I had been on Facebook several times during that time. 

Despite the anxiety it left G with, I believe God hid that first message from me because he wanted me to fully give up my will and give into his before he gifted me with the thing I wanted most. I was reminded once again that I would “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Two months have passed since that day and life just feels like it keeps getting better and better. There is no one I’d rather spend my time with, and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual ;)

 I look at him now and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God’s will and blessing is upon this relationship and that knowledge fills me overflowing with joy.

There have been so many moments in this relationship where I have seen God at work answering asked and unasked prayers.

Like a wonderful family friend telling him I was sweet girl and he’d never regret it if he asked me out :) 

Or the night I just really wanted him to text, not because I texted him, but just because he was thinking about me. I prayed and half an hour later he sent me the sweetest text with the picture of a flower.

Or how, I’d been praying for weeks for him to bring up whether we we’re officially dating or not, and God used someone to prompt him into asking me.

I cannot truly express with words how absolutely amazing and wonderful it is to know this relationship was (and is) orchestrated and blessed by God. 

God is good. He is good when all else looks bleak. He is good when his will trumps my own. He is good when life overflows with blessings.

Looking back at the past 28 years I know, beyond any doubt, despite how happy G makes me, I wouldn’t give up one moment of my single years. It was in those moments, turned into years, that I grew in the Lord. My relationship with him is more important than any earthly one no matter how much I may like a certain someone and I wouldn’t want to lose one moment of them.

God is Good

It’s amazing.

It’s overflowing and uncontainable.

The whole of it is unknowable and unexplainable.

It makes me want to jump up and spin around the room just to shout his amazing goodness and love.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders because I’d failed again. I made the wrong choice. Not intentionally, but still, I’d made it. Time and time again I’d promised myself I’d do better this time. This time I’d manage my money in a way that would honor God, and yet, despite this I’d failed again. I hadn’t saved where I should. I spent where I shouldn’t. Now the bills loomed before me. 

How had I done this again? I’d tried, but not hard enough. The new shoes had called to me. The new books- ah, the books- they’d called my name and I was powerless against them. And now, in 90 degree heat, I longed for capris and tank tops. Only I’d gained five pounds, I was between sizes, and I was stuck between the decision to wear my too tight clothes or spend more money on “new” clothes at the thrift store.

What was I to do? I wanted new capris so bad I could almost taste it, but could I justify spending more money on clothes when summer was almost over? Plus, I was determined to lose those five pounds (even though I’d been trying for months now). Worry ate away me. I’d made this mess, and while I knew God loved me and wanted the best for me, I felt I needed to fix it myself. I should have been responsible, saved my money and paid the bills. I’d miscalculated the pay days and I was quickly sinking. How could I expect God to save me when I’d done this time and time again? I knew I needed to face my mistakes and take the consequences. 

Despite all this, I was determined to take a small amount and find some capris. It was sweltering out and, for goodness sake, I wanted them! But I prayed and God spoke. 

First, I was reminded I’d been called to live a life of inward beauty rather than one of outward beauty.  I was letting my vanity get the better of me. I wanted to look good, not only on the inside, but the outside as well. I didn’t want to wear the skirts or the ugly pair of capris that actually fit. I was discontent and unthankful for the things I did have.  

Second, God gently asked I give up my right to spend money on clothes. He asked that I be content with what I had rather than seek more. He didn’t demand or push- he simply left it in my hands to decide. Right or wrong the decision was mine. 

I learned something anew yesterday- amazing things happen when we give up what we want for what he wants. I gave up my plans and gave into his and somehow in those moments between dying to my wants and living for his I found an excitement for the clothes I owned. Suddenly, I wanted to go through my clothes and find new combinations. My skirts suddenly became fun and appealing (the capris still not so much). Where I thought I would begrudge not getting “new” clothes I found I didn’t care. 

Even more amazingly I dropped almost a pound overnight and as the day progressed I dropped almost another pound (this is unheard of in the history of Miranda) and I began believing I would actually fit into clothes I’d been avoiding for weeks. 

Once again, God proved his way was better than mine, and once again, I wondered why I even bothered to fight him. Do I know that my weight will continue to lower or even stay where it’s at? No, but I do know what I have is enough and if a need,-not necessarily a want-should arise my God is faithful to meet it.

Strangely enough, after today, I no longer fear how I will meet all the payments I will need to make before pay day. Yes, I still need to the face the consequences of going my own way and disregarding the advice given to me, but just like a good parent, he lets me go my own way so I can learn from my mistakes while still standing by waiting to offer advice and lend a helping hand when I jump in over my head. 

His love is amazing.

It’s overflowing and uncontainable.

The whole of it is unknowable and unexplainable. 

It makes me want to jump up and spin around the room just to shout his amazing goodness and love.

God is good. Through my mistakes, goofs, and rebellions God is good. In my moments of greatest despair and highest joys God is good.  From the creation of the first atom to the undoing of the universe God is good and I will stand in eternity just to praise his name