I’ve given up on the idea that I
will ever meet the right guy. Well, that’s not completely true, I’m more…
ambivalent to the whole idea. However, that may stem from the fact that I’ve
been way too busy to give it more than a passing thought. That, coupled with
the realization that 27 lies at few short months away, leaves me with the
growing belief that my chances of meeting “the one” is found somewhere in the
vicinity of one in a number filled with way to many zeroes. Why do I believe
this? Well let’s see: number one, I live in Bemidji which, let’s face it,
pretty much means that the chances of finding a suitable guy lies somewhere in
the range of nil. Number two: all I seem to do is go to work, come home, go to
church, come home, go to work, come home, visit family, come home, go to work,
go to church, come home, go to work, come home, hang out with girlfriends, come
home, go to work- and well, you get the picture. So I’ve resigned myself to the
fact that my chances of finding a suitable guy who loves Jesus, is single, is
somewhat near my age, and finds me attractive has about as much probability as
me finding an elephant munching on leaves in my backyard.
A couple of months ago a close
friend revealed she’s admired the grace with which I’ve accepted my single
state over the years. Her words were nice to hear, but a part of me laughed
because I know it’s not true. I know I haven’t accepted my singleness with
grace or even with a good attitude half the time. I know most of time I
fluctuate between feelings of loneliness, insecurity, anger, hurt, and
unfairness. Only I hide these feelings in the quiet of my own heart rather than
show them to the world at large. Sure the years have tempered my feelings and
there are many days where I like being single, but that doesn’t mean I always
accept it with grace.
In the last two years God has
operated a lot of changes in my attitude. He’s changed the way I view both my
singleness and him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I feel like
crying from loneliness or days were I feel like railing at God because he’s
graced me with singleness rather than a family of my own.
Coming to grips with the idea God
has called me to singleness isn’t always easy. Through the years I’ve built up
dreams and made plans for what my life would look like if God would only send
the “right one” along. Many of these dreams first began when I was little.
They’ve grown with me over the years, slowly entwining around my heart and mind
until the thought of losing them feels like losing a part of myself. And yet
God asks me to hand over the dream. And
when he does it feels like a part of me is being ripped out. That’s why the
process of accepting God’s call of singleness upon my life (whether it’s
temporary or permanent) has required a grieving process. I’m learning to let go
of something I’ve held dear to my heart for years, something that God, in his
wisdom, is asking me to let go of.
From this painful experience I’ve
discovered the process follows many of the steps of grieving a loved one. I’m
not saying it’s exactly the same because nothing compares to losing a loved
one, but we are grieving the loss of something dear and precious to us. We try
to deny and ignore singleness has been thrust upon us, we bargain with God and
when that fails we sink into depression and loneliness. We harbor anger,
bitterness, and resentment, until finally, in spurts, we begin to accept and
move on.
We all experience the stages of grieving
differently. Some may process the loss quickly and move on easily, others may
have a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of their seemingly
endless single state. For me the stages have happened slowly over the length of
almost a decade. Even now there are times when I feel like I regress and fall
into a stage I thought I’d left long ago.
Each of
the stages entwines with the others. Denial may be one stage and anger another,
but just because they’re listed separately doesn’t mean they can’t be felt
together. Often times the emotions we go through collide together making us
feel as though we’re a giant ball of string fated to forever be tied in an impossibly
tangled mess.
Denial- Singleness is a wave that silently washes over us.
We don’t always notice it at first, not until we’ve been pulled far from what
we always thought we wanted. Friends and family members are dating and getting
married and yet we've been left alone to drift by ourselves. Each month and year
that passes seems to pull us further and further away from what we always
wanted. Despite this we like to convince ourselves we’re really not that far.
We embrace the comfort of denial because we’d rather believe we’re closer to
our desire than we truly are. We don’t want to accept the reality of living
life alone and so we warmly and willingly welcome denial. Denial makes the pain
bearable. Denial is what keeps us going some days. We don’t want to believe God
may being calling us to singleness so we deflect, we deny the truth, and we
hide from the knowledge we may be forever alone.
Bargaining- Years pass however and the longer we’re alone
the harder it is to accept that the “one” even exists. As a result we begin to
barter with God. We promise him we’ll spend more time with him, we offer to
give more of our time and money to church and charities, we even promise to
change our habits if that’s what God asks of us as along as he finally sends our significant other
along. We offer everything we can think of, and yet, no matter how much we plead
and beg it seems as though nothing we offer budges him in the right
direction. It’s in these moments, when God doesn’t seem to care about our prayers, that we let anger, bitterness, and resentment seep in.
Anger, Bitterness, and Resentment-
Of all the stages this one offers the most danger. Let free upon the heart it
will wreck more destruction than a tornado through Chicago. It is also the most
seductive of the five stages. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly which
leads us to believe that we have a right to feel cheated and angry. We see
others who are happily together and we wonder how God could give them such a
gift when he withholds it from us. Our friends begin to marry, build lives
together, and have children while we feel left on the outskirts of life.
Unfairness towards God’s (seemingly) lackadaisy approach on our lives builds
and bitterness quietly (or for some of us, not so quietly) begins to take root.
Anger and bitterness let free on our hearts and lives will slowly destroy our relationship
with God and others.
The
summer after my brother got married I moved in with both him and his wife (not
something I’d recommend by the way, especially when they’re practically
newlyweds, even if you are best friends with said brother. But I digress…).
Despite having difficulties I enjoyed that summer because I got a chance to
know my sister-in-law, we had a large yard with a garden, an actual house (not
an apartment!), and I got to go fishing quite a few times. On one of those
fishing trips I remember sitting in the boat looking at my brother and his wife
thinking how badly I wanted to get married and have kids. I knew they’d being
having children soon and I so badly wanted our kids to grow up together. I
could see us going camping every summer, spending holidays enjoying the laughter
of our children, and of course watching them grow up together.
It was on that sunny July afternoon
that I first felt the beginnings of true bitterness take root in my heart. It
crept in so quietly I hardly knew it was there at first, but as it grew I
began to realize something was wrong. I was angry all the time and no matter
how much I prayed or read my bible all I felt towards God was overwhelming
resentment. I had no idea what was wrong. I felt horrible and I couldn’t figure
out why. I honestly had no idea why I felt such anger and resentment in my
heart, all I knew was that I couldn’t live with it festering inside me.
It was tearing me away from God and
it was affecting my relationships.
Despite all of this it took me over a month and half before I truly
turned to God in desperation. It was then that he revealed how much I’d begun
to resent him because I’d felt he was withholding something I wanted. I couldn’t
believe how much anger and bitterness I’d built up in such a small amount of
time. In shock and pain I fell to my knees in front of him and begged for his
forgiveness.
Since that day I’ve learned to
check my heart. I’ve learned to notice when bitterness seeps in and anger beat
at the walls. Over the years I no longer struggle with them as much, but Satan
knows my weaknesses and he will exploit them given the chance. So with God’s
help I learn to keep a vigil. When I feel bitterness, anger, or resentment
begin to take hold I’ve learned the only thing I can do is turn to God for
cleansing and healing. It’s not always easy but it is necessary if I wish to
build a relationship with him.
Depression and Loneliness- Despite our best endeavors to
accept our singleness with joy there are days and weeks where loneliness and
depression are our closest companions. I’ve found over the years that these
moments seem to revolve around two things. The first tends to happen when
friends (especially those whom I remember being ten year old kids) get engaged
and married. The second seems to occur when my hormones go crazy rather like
atoms in a boiling pot of water, completely out of whack and no idea where to
go so they proceed to wreak havoc on my normally peaceful life.
Of the five stages I think this one
bears the most pain. It's in these moments that you are keenly reminded of your
singleness and how alone you truly feel. These are the moments where you notice
every couple who passes you on the street, every pregnant woman, and every
young mother with her children. No matter how hard you try not to see them you
can’t avoid it; not unless you choose to sit at home alone on the couch eating
Oreos and butter pecan ice cream out the container, but not even that helps.
All it does is remind you all the more of your single state.
Acceptance- Ah, the elusive acceptance of our single state.
I must admit I’m a little bit jealous of those who step onto the path of
singleness with a blithe step and happy countenance. I wish it had been that easy
for me. Instead it took me years to
even come close to a point where I could start to accept it. Apparently, I have been
a remarkably slow learner!
Acceptance can be the hardest of
the stages to acquire and many times we make it there only to fall back to one
of the previous steps. I know there are multiple times where, despite my best efforts
and desires, I slip away from my contentment in God’s plan for my life. For me,
the easiest stage to fall back on is depression and loneliness. When these
moments come I have to remind myself that God has plan. Maybe it’s not a plan I
can see or understand but it’s an amazing plan none the less.
Isaiah 14:24 says “The Lord
almighty has sworn, surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.” (emphasis mine). God has a plan for my life. One he’s
laid out and planned just for me. Is it the one I had picked out for myself?
No, in fact it’s strayed quite a bit from where I thought I’d be, but I know
that he has set forth a plan for my life and despite how I think it should be
his plan is infinitely better.
After years of struggling against
God’s plans I’ve finally come to a place where I find I can accept his call
upon my life. Yes, there are days where I still struggle and wonder why he’s
called me to be alone, but on those days I’ve learned that the best thing I can
do is turn to him and hand over the worries and hurts I carry inside. He is my
resting place. The one who constantly reminds me of how much I am loved and
wanted by a God who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway. And that, that is the
best part of any day.
None of the emotions flowing
through these stages are easy and yet so many times we don’t want to give them
up when confronted with them (I’m not saying that there aren’t days where we
wouldn’t give anything to be rid of them. There have definitely been days where
I have prayed, begging God, to take away the emotions running through me). It
just that some days we want to have a pity party or days where we can just feel
angry because we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We feel we have the right to
feel the way we do. Despite these moments each of us must be confronted by the
painful truth- that by holding unto these emotions we are willingly accepting a
part of our sinful natures. Our feelings of anger, denial, unfairness, and
depression stem from a direct lack of trust in God’s plan for our lives. Is it
easy to learn to let go of these negative emotions? No, it’s not. Is necessary
to let them go? Yes, if we want to continue building a stronger relationship
with God.
However, I’m not belittling these
emotions either. I know how hard it is to walk through the dark moments when it
feels like anger is eating you up, denial your strongest ally, and depression
the enemy knocking down your door. Some days it’s easier to let the emotions
rule us rather than fight them-especially when we feel we’re fighting alone.
It’s easy for me to say that you’re not alone. That God is at your side willing
and able to fight your battles with you, but just because I say it doesn’t make
the war any easier to fight. I know this, but still I want to say it because I
know he will fight your battles with you, he’ll hold you up when you’re too
tired to carry on, and he’ll bind up the wounds you may encounter along the
way. I know I've said it before, that the journey is going to be hard, but take it
from someone who’s still traveling along the path, the moments may be hard but
the relationship you build with God is worth more than any painful situation
you may face.
I wasn’t
sure if he liked me or even if it was within God’s will, so I dedicated hours to
praying that his will be done. I prayed that if it wasn’t in his will that he’d
take the feelings away; that I could walk away and forget all about it.