When Lies Become the Truth

I just heard on the radio that 63% of Christian singles on Mingle.com and similar dating sites say they'd have sex before marriage. It breaks my heart that so many young people don't see anything wrong with that. I think what hurts the most is knowledge that a living breathing relationship with God is missing from so many young people's lives.

I also realize, however, that we, as Christians, are often deceived and tempted into sin. Just because in the past you slept with someone outside of marriage doesn't mean you don't have a real relationship with God. It's when you enter into the dating scene believing from the start that it’s okay to have premarital sex that something vital is missing from your relationship with God. And it's that fact that hurts that most. 

When the Lord's presence is real and at work in your life you know when you're living in disobedience. You know because he won't leave you alone. He brings people and things into your life to show you. There's a shadow that seems to hover over your heart and never goes away, at least not until you acknowledge your sin and start to change.

I originally started writing about my experiences as young single Christian woman for reasons just like this. I wanted others to know and experience the joys of a relationship with a Savior who died to know them. Yes, it can be hard at times, but no other relationship even comes close to the one found in Jesus. When I hear stories and statistics like this one my heart breaks because there are so many "Christians" out there who are obviously lacking that relationship.

How have we come so far from the truth? When did we start substituting lies for truth? When did we let what the world tells us become our basis for moral living rather that what God tells us? I wish I could put into words the hurt I feel at lack of a living relationship with God so many people have in their lives, especially when I know the joys of being in God's presence, but words tend to fall so short.

I didn't write this today to judge anyone or make anyone feel bad, because I am the last person to judge, but only because I wish so much more for our culture.

Waiting-When We Don't Want To; For the Girls, Part 5: Singleness

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for a new book to come in the mail or the next Netflix DVD to arrive. I hate waiting for the cookies to come out of the oven or for vacation to start. Despite my dislike of waiting there is nothing I can do to make time move faster. The cookies won’t bake faster just because I want to eat them and the next DVD won’t come in the mail just because I wish it to be so. Like it or not waiting is a part of life I can’t avoid or make go faster. Time will plod on or zip past at its normal speed no matter what I do.

Patience has become a lost art in our culture. If we want a mocha latte we hop in the car and drive down to the nearest coffee shop to order ourselves one. If the movie rental place doesn’t have the movie we want we can easily go online and order it through the mail. In a day or two we’ll be in front of the T.V. enjoying our latest selection. 

Almost anything we desire can be found online. Want a bluetooth lock for your front door? Just head on over to Amazon and order yourself one. How about information on the indigenousness people of Australia? Well, Google’s got about 1,323 pages of suggestions for you. Almost anything we question or want can be found by typing a few keywords into the search engine of our choice. 

Instant gratification is one of the reasons waiting on God’s timing is so hard. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself with fingers hovering over the keyboard trying to think of a way I could word my query so Google would tell me where to find my future husband. Obviously, Google can’t tell me where he is and neither can anyone else, but it’s been so ingrained into me to turn to Google with my unanswered questions that my brain automatically directs me there.

Despite my desire to trust God and wait on his timing I still struggle with why he is making me wait. If he hasn’t made Sally, Michael, or Beth wait, why must I? I think it’s a question that lies heavy on the hearts of many of us. We’ve been faithful, we’ve waited, and we’ve obeyed even when it’s been hard, and yet we’re still single while the rest of our friends date, get married, and have children.

I’ve come to the conclusion that God keeps us single for a reason. I look back on the years that have past and I can clearly see, had I been married at a younger age, I would have matured differently. I would have been shaped by my husband as much as he was shaped by me. I believe the twenty-seven years of the singleness God has sent my way have shaped me for a future only he can see. I’ve been set upon this path because the character and personality I am molding today is needed for the future he has planned for me. Despite my longing for a companion along the journey of life I know his plans lead to sweeter places than I could dream up on my own. His way is always better than my own.

There was point in my life where I tried online dating. It was horrible tortuous affair. Not because of people on the sites, but because deep down I felt as though I was pushing my agenda over God’s. He’d prod me to listen, but I was lonely and tired of being alone, so I’d find ways to justify keeping my account open. Things like: since there’s no eligible men here I guess my only option is finding them online, or, I’m getting older and I need to find someone soon. However, God slowly poked holes in all my arguments, and even though I didn’t necessarily want to, I reluctantly closed my account (since then, I’m immensely glad I did).

I’m not saying online dating is bad, but I get the feeling that many of us use it as a way of circumventing God’s design for our lives. In effect, it’s us stating that God isn’t powerful or all-knowing enough to send us the correct mate. And if he’s not powerful enough to send them along, then we need to go out and find them ourselves. If we believe God can send the perfect person along then it shouldn’t matter if we're living in a hut in Africa or the heart of New York. Where ever we are, God is faithful to send the right person along, at the right time, if it’s within his plan for our life.

At some point, while in college, I was given the impression I was still single because I hadn’t yet learned to be fully satisfied by God. If I wanted to get married, I needed to grow closer to him and learn to be completely and fully satisfied by him. Once I reached that fabled point God would finally grant me a husband. 

I think most of us have been fed this lie.And yet, I know, no matter how hard I try, my relationship with God will never be perfect. It will never reach a place where I feel I no longer need to grow. Each day I grow closer to him only amplifies the fact that I still have so much further to go. It shows me how very much I still need him and how very far I am from being fully satisfied in him. And I bet, if you asked any of your married friends, you’d find none of them felt they had the perfect relationship with God before they were married (or after) either.  It’s a continual growth process that will last me until old age and beyond.

                I can choose to see my years of waiting as blessing or a curse. I can bemoan my single state or I can learn to see the beauty of it. If I spend my single years angry, depressed, dissatisfied, or always waiting to live my life until my spouse shows up I’m going to miss out on all the opportunities God has placed before me to serve him and the blessings that go along with them.

                I’d rather live out my single years, whether they last one year or fifty, living for God and falling deeper into his heart, than sitting by waiting to live until I’m married. Should he never show I’d have lived a wasted life, and even if he did, I’d have still lived wasted years waiting for him. These years of waiting have been given as gift and I must choose to accept them with grace and joy or disdain and ungratefulness.

                There is something inexplicably precious about getting to know the Lord with just you and him. No spouse to distract you. No children to put first. Just you and him and the chance to know each other intimately. So precious a gift is often missed when we pine for future things over the gift of the present.

I leave you with the beautiful and convicting words of Elizabeth-Ann Horsford,

“One of the greatest advantages of the single life is freedom -- freedom to come and go as much as we please without having to consult with husband, wife or children.... But freedom does have responsibility. One day I shall have to account for how I used my freedom. Have I been selfishly indulgent, living to please myself, wasting my time? Have I spent my time wallowing in self-pity about my single state or about some problem? ... One of the keys to a fulfilled life is a willingness to give ourselves for others. Jesus said, 'For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.' ”

The 5 Stages; For the Girls, Part 3: Singleness

I’ve given up on the idea that I will ever meet the right guy. Well, that’s not completely true, I’m more… ambivalent to the whole idea. However, that may stem from the fact that I’ve been way too busy to give it more than a passing thought. That, coupled with the realization that 27 lies at few short months away, leaves me with the growing belief that my chances of meeting “the one” is found somewhere in the vicinity of one in a number filled with way to many zeroes. Why do I believe this? Well let’s see: number one, I live in Bemidji which, let’s face it, pretty much means that the chances of finding a suitable guy lies somewhere in the range of nil. Number two: all I seem to do is go to work, come home, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, visit family, come home, go to work, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, hang out with girlfriends, come home, go to work- and well, you get the picture. So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my chances of finding a suitable guy who loves Jesus, is single, is somewhat near my age, and finds me attractive has about as much probability as me finding an elephant munching on leaves in my backyard.

A couple of months ago a close friend revealed she’s admired the grace with which I’ve accepted my single state over the years. Her words were nice to hear, but a part of me laughed because I know it’s not true. I know I haven’t accepted my singleness with grace or even with a good attitude half the time. I know most of time I fluctuate between feelings of loneliness, insecurity, anger, hurt, and unfairness. Only I hide these feelings in the quiet of my own heart rather than show them to the world at large. Sure the years have tempered my feelings and there are many days where I like being single, but that doesn’t mean I always accept it with grace. 

In the last two years God has operated a lot of changes in my attitude. He’s changed the way I view both my singleness and him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I feel like crying from loneliness or days were I feel like railing at God because he’s graced me with singleness rather than a family of my own.  

Coming to grips with the idea God has called me to singleness isn’t always easy. Through the years I’ve built up dreams and made plans for what my life would look like if God would only send the “right one” along. Many of these dreams first began when I was little. They’ve grown with me over the years, slowly entwining around my heart and mind until the thought of losing them feels like losing a part of myself. And yet God asks me to hand over the dream.  And when he does it feels like a part of me is being ripped out. That’s why the process of accepting God’s call of singleness upon my life (whether it’s temporary or permanent) has required a grieving process. I’m learning to let go of something I’ve held dear to my heart for years, something that God, in his wisdom, is asking me to let go of.

From this painful experience I’ve discovered the process follows many of the steps of grieving a loved one. I’m not saying it’s exactly the same because nothing compares to losing a loved one, but we are grieving the loss of something dear and precious to us. We try to deny and ignore singleness has been thrust upon us, we bargain with God and when that fails we sink into depression and loneliness. We harbor anger, bitterness, and resentment, until finally, in spurts, we begin to accept and move on.

                 We all experience the stages of grieving differently. Some may process the loss quickly and move on easily, others may have a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of their seemingly endless single state. For me the stages have happened slowly over the length of almost a decade. Even now there are times when I feel like I regress and fall into a stage I thought I’d left long ago. 

                Each of the stages entwines with the others. Denial may be one stage and anger another, but just because they’re listed separately doesn’t mean they can’t be felt together. Often times the emotions we go through collide together making us feel as though we’re a giant ball of string fated to forever be tied in an impossibly tangled mess.

Denial- Singleness is a wave that silently washes over us. We don’t always notice it at first, not until we’ve been pulled far from what we always thought we wanted. Friends and family members are dating and getting married and yet we've been left alone to drift by ourselves. Each month and year that passes seems to pull us further and further away from what we always wanted. Despite this we like to convince ourselves we’re really not that far. We embrace the comfort of denial because we’d rather believe we’re closer to our desire than we truly are. We don’t want to accept the reality of living life alone and so we warmly and willingly welcome denial. Denial makes the pain bearable. Denial is what keeps us going some days. We don’t want to believe God may being calling us to singleness so we deflect, we deny the truth, and we hide from the knowledge we may be forever alone.

Bargaining- Years pass however and the longer we’re alone the harder it is to accept that the “one” even exists. As a result we begin to barter with God. We promise him we’ll spend more time with him, we offer to give more of our time and money to church and charities, we even promise to change our habits if that’s what God asks of us as along as he finally sends our significant other along. We offer everything we can think of, and yet, no matter how much we plead and beg it seems as though nothing we offer budges him in the right direction. It’s in these moments, when God doesn’t seem to care about our prayers, that we let anger, bitterness, and resentment seep in.

                Anger, Bitterness, and Resentment- Of all the stages this one offers the most danger. Let free upon the heart it will wreck more destruction than a tornado through Chicago. It is also the most seductive of the five stages. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly which leads us to believe that we have a right to feel cheated and angry. We see others who are happily together and we wonder how God could give them such a gift when he withholds it from us. Our friends begin to marry, build lives together, and have children while we feel left on the outskirts of life. Unfairness towards God’s (seemingly) lackadaisy approach on our lives builds and bitterness quietly (or for some of us, not so quietly) begins to take root. Anger and bitterness let free on our hearts and lives will slowly destroy our relationship with God and others. 

                The summer after my brother got married I moved in with both him and his wife (not something I’d recommend by the way, especially when they’re practically newlyweds, even if you are best friends with said brother. But I digress…). Despite having difficulties I enjoyed that summer because I got a chance to know my sister-in-law, we had a large yard with a garden, an actual house (not an apartment!), and I got to go fishing quite a few times. On one of those fishing trips I remember sitting in the boat looking at my brother and his wife thinking how badly I wanted to get married and have kids. I knew they’d being having children soon and I so badly wanted our kids to grow up together. I could see us going camping every summer, spending holidays enjoying the laughter of our children, and of course watching them grow up together. 

It was on that sunny July afternoon that I first felt the beginnings of true bitterness take root in my heart. It crept in so quietly I hardly knew it was there at first, but as it grew I began to realize something was wrong. I was angry all the time and no matter how much I prayed or read my bible all I felt towards God was overwhelming resentment. I had no idea what was wrong. I felt horrible and I couldn’t figure out why. I honestly had no idea why I felt such anger and resentment in my heart, all I knew was that I couldn’t live with it festering inside me. 

It was tearing me away from God and it was affecting my relationships.  Despite all of this it took me over a month and half before I truly turned to God in desperation. It was then that he revealed how much I’d begun to resent him because I’d felt he was withholding something I wanted. I couldn’t believe how much anger and bitterness I’d built up in such a small amount of time. In shock and pain I fell to my knees in front of him and begged for his forgiveness. 

Since that day I’ve learned to check my heart. I’ve learned to notice when bitterness seeps in and anger beat at the walls. Over the years I no longer struggle with them as much, but Satan knows my weaknesses and he will exploit them given the chance. So with God’s help I learn to keep a vigil. When I feel bitterness, anger, or resentment begin to take hold I’ve learned the only thing I can do is turn to God for cleansing and healing. It’s not always easy but it is necessary if I wish to build a relationship with him.

Depression and Loneliness- Despite our best endeavors to accept our singleness with joy there are days and weeks where loneliness and depression are our closest companions. I’ve found over the years that these moments seem to revolve around two things. The first tends to happen when friends (especially those whom I remember being ten year old kids) get engaged and married. The second seems to occur when my hormones go crazy rather like atoms in a boiling pot of water, completely out of whack and no idea where to go so they proceed to wreak havoc on my normally peaceful life.

Of the five stages I think this one bears the most pain. It's in these moments that you are keenly reminded of your singleness and how alone you truly feel. These are the moments where you notice every couple who passes you on the street, every pregnant woman, and every young mother with her children. No matter how hard you try not to see them you can’t avoid it; not unless you choose to sit at home alone on the couch eating Oreos and butter pecan ice cream out the container, but not even that helps. All it does is remind you all the more of your single state.

Acceptance- Ah, the elusive acceptance of our single state. I must admit I’m a little bit jealous of those who step onto the path of singleness with a blithe step and happy countenance. I wish it had been that easy for me. Instead it took me years to even come close to a point where I could start to accept it. Apparently, I have been a remarkably slow learner! 

Acceptance can be the hardest of the stages to acquire and many times we make it there only to fall back to one of the previous steps. I know there are multiple times where, despite my best efforts and desires, I slip away from my contentment in God’s plan for my life. For me, the easiest stage to fall back on is depression and loneliness. When these moments come I have to remind myself that God has plan. Maybe it’s not a plan I can see or understand but it’s an amazing plan none the less. 

Isaiah 14:24 says “The Lord almighty has sworn, surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.” (emphasis mine). God has a plan for my life. One he’s laid out and planned just for me. Is it the one I had picked out for myself? No, in fact it’s strayed quite a bit from where I thought I’d be, but I know that he has set forth a plan for my life and despite how I think it should be his plan is infinitely better. 

After years of struggling against God’s plans I’ve finally come to a place where I find I can accept his call upon my life. Yes, there are days where I still struggle and wonder why he’s called me to be alone, but on those days I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is turn to him and hand over the worries and hurts I carry inside. He is my resting place. The one who constantly reminds me of how much I am loved and wanted by a God who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway. And that, that is the best part of any day.

None of the emotions flowing through these stages are easy and yet so many times we don’t want to give them up when confronted with them (I’m not saying that there aren’t days where we wouldn’t give anything to be rid of them. There have definitely been days where I have prayed, begging God, to take away the emotions running through me). It just that some days we want to have a pity party or days where we can just feel angry because we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We feel we have the right to feel the way we do. Despite these moments each of us must be confronted by the painful truth- that by holding unto these emotions we are willingly accepting a part of our sinful natures. Our feelings of anger, denial, unfairness, and depression stem from a direct lack of trust in God’s plan for our lives. Is it easy to learn to let go of these negative emotions? No, it’s not. Is necessary to let them go? Yes, if we want to continue building a stronger relationship with God.

However, I’m not belittling these emotions either. I know how hard it is to walk through the dark moments when it feels like anger is eating you up, denial your strongest ally, and depression the enemy knocking down your door. Some days it’s easier to let the emotions rule us rather than fight them-especially when we feel we’re fighting alone. It’s easy for me to say that you’re not alone. That God is at your side willing and able to fight your battles with you, but just because I say it doesn’t make the war any easier to fight. I know this, but still I want to say it because I know he will fight your battles with you, he’ll hold you up when you’re too tired to carry on, and he’ll bind up the wounds you may encounter along the way. I know I've said it before, that the journey is going to be hard, but take it from someone who’s still traveling along the path, the moments may be hard but the relationship you build with God is worth more than any painful situation you may face.

The Beginning of Something New; For the Girls, Part 2

             I come to the garden alone. A maze of green shrubs lies between me and the door, but I am not daunted by the twists and turns that would quickly deter another. I’ve traversed these paths since I was a child and I know the way through like a well-traveled road. I quickly move through the leafy maze avoiding dead ends and greeting familiar places with a smile and fond memories.

Soon I stand before a wall so covered in ivy any other would have mistaken it for a dead end, but I know the truth and so I search for the door hidden by time and vines. My hand, guided by memory and familiarity, swiftly finds the door carved from oak and engraved with trailing strands of ivy and rambling swirls of flowers. I gently push the door open and quietly duck beneath the falling ivy. One step inside the hidden garden my soul quiets and the tension I’d unknowingly held trickles from my frame. I close my eyes and breathe deep of the clean air.

                Before me lies a low stone bench surrounded by dancing daffodils and sweeping trees. A short distance away lays a small stream that musically makes its way over dirt and stone filling the air with its tinkling melody. On the bench sits a man. He’s quietly watching a butterfly wing its way over flower and bush but when I enter he looks up and a smile graces his face. Somehow I know he’s been here waiting for me far longer then I’ve been looking for him. 

                He opens his arms wide beckoning me to his side. Despite my desire to act calm my longing for him overcomes my inhibitions and I rush to his side and enveloping arms. There I find safety and love. There I find serenity and peace. There I find acceptance and grace. There I find home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shared previously how I gave the key to my heart over to God. How I gave up all possession of key and gave him sole power over the gate. As a teen the idea of giving God the key was more metaphorical than anything else, but over time the garden became something…..more. Instead of being a vague idea only regulated to keeping others out or in it became a real place. A place where the world was pushed aside and I could meet with my Savior. There I could rest his arms and seek solace from the troubles of my day. Not only could I find comfort there but also joy, laughter, advice, and even chastisement when I needed it. It was and is a safe place. The place where I come to refresh my soul. 

In the beginning the thought of God holding the key was a romantic one. I was going to give the key to God and he was going to procure the perfect man for me. Obviously the ideas of my teenage-self were very different from God’s ideas, but looking back I’m so glad God’s ideas prevailed over mine. God took the naïve promise of twelve year old girl and transformed it into a living breathing relationship with him.

I realize that my story may be the extreme. I imagine not many girls will get to 26 without at least dating once or twice and I’m not saying that my experience should be the norm, but I do think we should have a mentality of placing God first. One where we let God do the leading in our love lives rather than ourselves. He should always be first and foremost. He should be a very real presence that goes through the day with us. The literal everyday lover of our souls.

It astonishes me daily how much he loves and wants me. Me with the penchant for placing things before him and the habit of disappointing myself and him with the choices I make. Despite all this he still wants me with a love I cannot comprehend. No matter how hard I try I can’t find the words to accurately describe the love I am drowning in. There are days I feel so overwhelming loved I don’t know what to do with it all.

Lately God has placed a new desire in my heart. Above all I want him. More than I want to be married. More than I want children. More than anything else. No man can love me the way he does. No man will ever desire me the way he does. No man will ever pursue me the way he does. And that is what this series is about. The God who wants me and you above all else and is willing to move heaven and earth for our hearts.

This is why I began this series on the God who relentlessly pursues us. I want every woman and girl to know the Creator who loves and craves them. To personally know the God who makes the flowers sprout and paints the sunsets just for them. He didn’t have to make the world beautiful, but he did it all because he loves us with an unending unreserved love.

I want so badly for each of you reading this to know the all-compassing love of God. To know that you are beautiful to him and that no amount of money could ever amount to your worth. Each of you holds infinite worth in his eyes and that’s why he’s pursuing the 8 year old playing princess, the 14 year old who’s dealing with self-image issues, the 23 year old young woman just getting married, the 46 year old woman battling a divorce, and the 74 year old woman who’s been married for fifty-two years. He’s pursued each of you from the moment you drew your first breath and he’ll continue to pursue you ‘til the moment you draw your last.   He wants all of you with a longing so fierce he spends each day vying for your attention. He loves you much he willing sacrificed his son even though he knew you might never accept his gift. It is an unending, unconditional love which is not based on anything you do or don’t do. It is genuine true love which is there whether you accept it or not.

Most days I don’t think I have the ability or the experience to write this mini-series. I feel I’m too young and inexperienced to accurately share the ups and downs of our lives as women. Most of the time I sit before my computer, fingers on the keys unmoving, because I’m too afraid to put into words what others may scoff at. I’m afraid that the words I use won’t be enough to touch the hearts of women. That they’ll read them and think I’m a fraud. What could I possibly know about their lives and the experiences they’ve gone through? And they’d be right. I don’t know. I’ve never been married, I’ve never been heart-broken, and I’ve never been abused, broken, or used to irrevocable harm. I don’t know their pain because I’ve never been there. So my heart whispers what’s the use? Why even try? And why, oh why, is God asking this of me? Because I know he is despite my lack of experience and my doubts. 

                Except as I sit here with my fingers upon the keys I realize it’s not my heart that whispers these doubts, its Satan trying to get in and discourage me before I’ve even begun. It’s so easy to believe his lies too, because I’m already predisposed to believe I’m not good enough or talented enough. And he wants me to believe this because if I doubt myself I’ll never reach for what God’s offering: the chance to join in on the work of eternity. If God has asked something of me it’s for a reason, even if that reason is only to see if I obey, but no matter the reason Satan will try everything in his power to stop the work of the Lord. 

So if you’re reading through these today and feel that I have no idea what you’re going through, you’re right. But God does and sometimes he uses the unexpected to reach us where we’re at. I may not have the experiences or the right words but I hope that somewhere in my jumbled mix of words you grow closer to the God who loves you above all else.

Over the next couple of weeks, God-willing, I hope to post nine more posts ranging anywhere from singleness, to the desires we have as women, to advice for guys. I hope you will join me on this adventure of getting to know the God that loves us and pursues us relentlessly and that your relationship with him will be the richer for it. 

                                However, I will forewarn you, should you open your heart to God’s work within your life he’s going to take you down paths that will test and strengthen your relationship with him. The journey to knowing God isn’t any easy one. He loves us with a consuming love but he also wants us to grow. He’s going to search out the dark corners of your heart and he’s going to bring forth things you’d rather not deal with it. He’s going to make you wait when all you want to do is move (or vice versa). And he’s going to ask you to give up things you’d much rather not. Take my word for it, I know. And it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes that all you can do is trust his plan and cry—a lot—but crying is a good thing. It cleanses the heart and makes the pain a little more bearable.

                I’m not trying to scare you off from knowing the God who loves and craves you. I want you to know the God who colored the aurora borealis and hung the stars just for you so much that my heart aches. There’s a country singer that sings I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden. There have been many times when I feel as though God is saying those words to me. We’re not promised an easy path but it’s a path that is lined with good things too. And I promise you you’ll come to find that the good far outweighs the bad. It may not be right away but give it time and gradually you’ll see and feel the joy.

                I pray that each of you will be drawn closer to the God who loves you, desires you, and pursues you. That you truly get to know the God who wants you above all else.  May his love enrich your lives, cause you grow, stretch you, and make you step outside your comfort zone to make you ever more like him.