God is Good

It’s amazing.

It’s overflowing and uncontainable.

The whole of it is unknowable and unexplainable.

It makes me want to jump up and spin around the room just to shout his amazing goodness and love.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders because I’d failed again. I made the wrong choice. Not intentionally, but still, I’d made it. Time and time again I’d promised myself I’d do better this time. This time I’d manage my money in a way that would honor God, and yet, despite this I’d failed again. I hadn’t saved where I should. I spent where I shouldn’t. Now the bills loomed before me. 

How had I done this again? I’d tried, but not hard enough. The new shoes had called to me. The new books- ah, the books- they’d called my name and I was powerless against them. And now, in 90 degree heat, I longed for capris and tank tops. Only I’d gained five pounds, I was between sizes, and I was stuck between the decision to wear my too tight clothes or spend more money on “new” clothes at the thrift store.

What was I to do? I wanted new capris so bad I could almost taste it, but could I justify spending more money on clothes when summer was almost over? Plus, I was determined to lose those five pounds (even though I’d been trying for months now). Worry ate away me. I’d made this mess, and while I knew God loved me and wanted the best for me, I felt I needed to fix it myself. I should have been responsible, saved my money and paid the bills. I’d miscalculated the pay days and I was quickly sinking. How could I expect God to save me when I’d done this time and time again? I knew I needed to face my mistakes and take the consequences. 

Despite all this, I was determined to take a small amount and find some capris. It was sweltering out and, for goodness sake, I wanted them! But I prayed and God spoke. 

First, I was reminded I’d been called to live a life of inward beauty rather than one of outward beauty.  I was letting my vanity get the better of me. I wanted to look good, not only on the inside, but the outside as well. I didn’t want to wear the skirts or the ugly pair of capris that actually fit. I was discontent and unthankful for the things I did have.  

Second, God gently asked I give up my right to spend money on clothes. He asked that I be content with what I had rather than seek more. He didn’t demand or push- he simply left it in my hands to decide. Right or wrong the decision was mine. 

I learned something anew yesterday- amazing things happen when we give up what we want for what he wants. I gave up my plans and gave into his and somehow in those moments between dying to my wants and living for his I found an excitement for the clothes I owned. Suddenly, I wanted to go through my clothes and find new combinations. My skirts suddenly became fun and appealing (the capris still not so much). Where I thought I would begrudge not getting “new” clothes I found I didn’t care. 

Even more amazingly I dropped almost a pound overnight and as the day progressed I dropped almost another pound (this is unheard of in the history of Miranda) and I began believing I would actually fit into clothes I’d been avoiding for weeks. 

Once again, God proved his way was better than mine, and once again, I wondered why I even bothered to fight him. Do I know that my weight will continue to lower or even stay where it’s at? No, but I do know what I have is enough and if a need,-not necessarily a want-should arise my God is faithful to meet it.

Strangely enough, after today, I no longer fear how I will meet all the payments I will need to make before pay day. Yes, I still need to the face the consequences of going my own way and disregarding the advice given to me, but just like a good parent, he lets me go my own way so I can learn from my mistakes while still standing by waiting to offer advice and lend a helping hand when I jump in over my head. 

His love is amazing.

It’s overflowing and uncontainable.

The whole of it is unknowable and unexplainable. 

It makes me want to jump up and spin around the room just to shout his amazing goodness and love.

God is good. Through my mistakes, goofs, and rebellions God is good. In my moments of greatest despair and highest joys God is good.  From the creation of the first atom to the undoing of the universe God is good and I will stand in eternity just to praise his name

The 5 Stages; For the Girls, Part 3: Singleness

I’ve given up on the idea that I will ever meet the right guy. Well, that’s not completely true, I’m more… ambivalent to the whole idea. However, that may stem from the fact that I’ve been way too busy to give it more than a passing thought. That, coupled with the realization that 27 lies at few short months away, leaves me with the growing belief that my chances of meeting “the one” is found somewhere in the vicinity of one in a number filled with way to many zeroes. Why do I believe this? Well let’s see: number one, I live in Bemidji which, let’s face it, pretty much means that the chances of finding a suitable guy lies somewhere in the range of nil. Number two: all I seem to do is go to work, come home, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, visit family, come home, go to work, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, hang out with girlfriends, come home, go to work- and well, you get the picture. So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my chances of finding a suitable guy who loves Jesus, is single, is somewhat near my age, and finds me attractive has about as much probability as me finding an elephant munching on leaves in my backyard.

A couple of months ago a close friend revealed she’s admired the grace with which I’ve accepted my single state over the years. Her words were nice to hear, but a part of me laughed because I know it’s not true. I know I haven’t accepted my singleness with grace or even with a good attitude half the time. I know most of time I fluctuate between feelings of loneliness, insecurity, anger, hurt, and unfairness. Only I hide these feelings in the quiet of my own heart rather than show them to the world at large. Sure the years have tempered my feelings and there are many days where I like being single, but that doesn’t mean I always accept it with grace. 

In the last two years God has operated a lot of changes in my attitude. He’s changed the way I view both my singleness and him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I feel like crying from loneliness or days were I feel like railing at God because he’s graced me with singleness rather than a family of my own.  

Coming to grips with the idea God has called me to singleness isn’t always easy. Through the years I’ve built up dreams and made plans for what my life would look like if God would only send the “right one” along. Many of these dreams first began when I was little. They’ve grown with me over the years, slowly entwining around my heart and mind until the thought of losing them feels like losing a part of myself. And yet God asks me to hand over the dream.  And when he does it feels like a part of me is being ripped out. That’s why the process of accepting God’s call of singleness upon my life (whether it’s temporary or permanent) has required a grieving process. I’m learning to let go of something I’ve held dear to my heart for years, something that God, in his wisdom, is asking me to let go of.

From this painful experience I’ve discovered the process follows many of the steps of grieving a loved one. I’m not saying it’s exactly the same because nothing compares to losing a loved one, but we are grieving the loss of something dear and precious to us. We try to deny and ignore singleness has been thrust upon us, we bargain with God and when that fails we sink into depression and loneliness. We harbor anger, bitterness, and resentment, until finally, in spurts, we begin to accept and move on.

                 We all experience the stages of grieving differently. Some may process the loss quickly and move on easily, others may have a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of their seemingly endless single state. For me the stages have happened slowly over the length of almost a decade. Even now there are times when I feel like I regress and fall into a stage I thought I’d left long ago. 

                Each of the stages entwines with the others. Denial may be one stage and anger another, but just because they’re listed separately doesn’t mean they can’t be felt together. Often times the emotions we go through collide together making us feel as though we’re a giant ball of string fated to forever be tied in an impossibly tangled mess.

Denial- Singleness is a wave that silently washes over us. We don’t always notice it at first, not until we’ve been pulled far from what we always thought we wanted. Friends and family members are dating and getting married and yet we've been left alone to drift by ourselves. Each month and year that passes seems to pull us further and further away from what we always wanted. Despite this we like to convince ourselves we’re really not that far. We embrace the comfort of denial because we’d rather believe we’re closer to our desire than we truly are. We don’t want to accept the reality of living life alone and so we warmly and willingly welcome denial. Denial makes the pain bearable. Denial is what keeps us going some days. We don’t want to believe God may being calling us to singleness so we deflect, we deny the truth, and we hide from the knowledge we may be forever alone.

Bargaining- Years pass however and the longer we’re alone the harder it is to accept that the “one” even exists. As a result we begin to barter with God. We promise him we’ll spend more time with him, we offer to give more of our time and money to church and charities, we even promise to change our habits if that’s what God asks of us as along as he finally sends our significant other along. We offer everything we can think of, and yet, no matter how much we plead and beg it seems as though nothing we offer budges him in the right direction. It’s in these moments, when God doesn’t seem to care about our prayers, that we let anger, bitterness, and resentment seep in.

                Anger, Bitterness, and Resentment- Of all the stages this one offers the most danger. Let free upon the heart it will wreck more destruction than a tornado through Chicago. It is also the most seductive of the five stages. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly which leads us to believe that we have a right to feel cheated and angry. We see others who are happily together and we wonder how God could give them such a gift when he withholds it from us. Our friends begin to marry, build lives together, and have children while we feel left on the outskirts of life. Unfairness towards God’s (seemingly) lackadaisy approach on our lives builds and bitterness quietly (or for some of us, not so quietly) begins to take root. Anger and bitterness let free on our hearts and lives will slowly destroy our relationship with God and others. 

                The summer after my brother got married I moved in with both him and his wife (not something I’d recommend by the way, especially when they’re practically newlyweds, even if you are best friends with said brother. But I digress…). Despite having difficulties I enjoyed that summer because I got a chance to know my sister-in-law, we had a large yard with a garden, an actual house (not an apartment!), and I got to go fishing quite a few times. On one of those fishing trips I remember sitting in the boat looking at my brother and his wife thinking how badly I wanted to get married and have kids. I knew they’d being having children soon and I so badly wanted our kids to grow up together. I could see us going camping every summer, spending holidays enjoying the laughter of our children, and of course watching them grow up together. 

It was on that sunny July afternoon that I first felt the beginnings of true bitterness take root in my heart. It crept in so quietly I hardly knew it was there at first, but as it grew I began to realize something was wrong. I was angry all the time and no matter how much I prayed or read my bible all I felt towards God was overwhelming resentment. I had no idea what was wrong. I felt horrible and I couldn’t figure out why. I honestly had no idea why I felt such anger and resentment in my heart, all I knew was that I couldn’t live with it festering inside me. 

It was tearing me away from God and it was affecting my relationships.  Despite all of this it took me over a month and half before I truly turned to God in desperation. It was then that he revealed how much I’d begun to resent him because I’d felt he was withholding something I wanted. I couldn’t believe how much anger and bitterness I’d built up in such a small amount of time. In shock and pain I fell to my knees in front of him and begged for his forgiveness. 

Since that day I’ve learned to check my heart. I’ve learned to notice when bitterness seeps in and anger beat at the walls. Over the years I no longer struggle with them as much, but Satan knows my weaknesses and he will exploit them given the chance. So with God’s help I learn to keep a vigil. When I feel bitterness, anger, or resentment begin to take hold I’ve learned the only thing I can do is turn to God for cleansing and healing. It’s not always easy but it is necessary if I wish to build a relationship with him.

Depression and Loneliness- Despite our best endeavors to accept our singleness with joy there are days and weeks where loneliness and depression are our closest companions. I’ve found over the years that these moments seem to revolve around two things. The first tends to happen when friends (especially those whom I remember being ten year old kids) get engaged and married. The second seems to occur when my hormones go crazy rather like atoms in a boiling pot of water, completely out of whack and no idea where to go so they proceed to wreak havoc on my normally peaceful life.

Of the five stages I think this one bears the most pain. It's in these moments that you are keenly reminded of your singleness and how alone you truly feel. These are the moments where you notice every couple who passes you on the street, every pregnant woman, and every young mother with her children. No matter how hard you try not to see them you can’t avoid it; not unless you choose to sit at home alone on the couch eating Oreos and butter pecan ice cream out the container, but not even that helps. All it does is remind you all the more of your single state.

Acceptance- Ah, the elusive acceptance of our single state. I must admit I’m a little bit jealous of those who step onto the path of singleness with a blithe step and happy countenance. I wish it had been that easy for me. Instead it took me years to even come close to a point where I could start to accept it. Apparently, I have been a remarkably slow learner! 

Acceptance can be the hardest of the stages to acquire and many times we make it there only to fall back to one of the previous steps. I know there are multiple times where, despite my best efforts and desires, I slip away from my contentment in God’s plan for my life. For me, the easiest stage to fall back on is depression and loneliness. When these moments come I have to remind myself that God has plan. Maybe it’s not a plan I can see or understand but it’s an amazing plan none the less. 

Isaiah 14:24 says “The Lord almighty has sworn, surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.” (emphasis mine). God has a plan for my life. One he’s laid out and planned just for me. Is it the one I had picked out for myself? No, in fact it’s strayed quite a bit from where I thought I’d be, but I know that he has set forth a plan for my life and despite how I think it should be his plan is infinitely better. 

After years of struggling against God’s plans I’ve finally come to a place where I find I can accept his call upon my life. Yes, there are days where I still struggle and wonder why he’s called me to be alone, but on those days I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is turn to him and hand over the worries and hurts I carry inside. He is my resting place. The one who constantly reminds me of how much I am loved and wanted by a God who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway. And that, that is the best part of any day.

None of the emotions flowing through these stages are easy and yet so many times we don’t want to give them up when confronted with them (I’m not saying that there aren’t days where we wouldn’t give anything to be rid of them. There have definitely been days where I have prayed, begging God, to take away the emotions running through me). It just that some days we want to have a pity party or days where we can just feel angry because we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We feel we have the right to feel the way we do. Despite these moments each of us must be confronted by the painful truth- that by holding unto these emotions we are willingly accepting a part of our sinful natures. Our feelings of anger, denial, unfairness, and depression stem from a direct lack of trust in God’s plan for our lives. Is it easy to learn to let go of these negative emotions? No, it’s not. Is necessary to let them go? Yes, if we want to continue building a stronger relationship with God.

However, I’m not belittling these emotions either. I know how hard it is to walk through the dark moments when it feels like anger is eating you up, denial your strongest ally, and depression the enemy knocking down your door. Some days it’s easier to let the emotions rule us rather than fight them-especially when we feel we’re fighting alone. It’s easy for me to say that you’re not alone. That God is at your side willing and able to fight your battles with you, but just because I say it doesn’t make the war any easier to fight. I know this, but still I want to say it because I know he will fight your battles with you, he’ll hold you up when you’re too tired to carry on, and he’ll bind up the wounds you may encounter along the way. I know I've said it before, that the journey is going to be hard, but take it from someone who’s still traveling along the path, the moments may be hard but the relationship you build with God is worth more than any painful situation you may face.

The Beginning of Something New; For the Girls, Part 2

             I come to the garden alone. A maze of green shrubs lies between me and the door, but I am not daunted by the twists and turns that would quickly deter another. I’ve traversed these paths since I was a child and I know the way through like a well-traveled road. I quickly move through the leafy maze avoiding dead ends and greeting familiar places with a smile and fond memories.

Soon I stand before a wall so covered in ivy any other would have mistaken it for a dead end, but I know the truth and so I search for the door hidden by time and vines. My hand, guided by memory and familiarity, swiftly finds the door carved from oak and engraved with trailing strands of ivy and rambling swirls of flowers. I gently push the door open and quietly duck beneath the falling ivy. One step inside the hidden garden my soul quiets and the tension I’d unknowingly held trickles from my frame. I close my eyes and breathe deep of the clean air.

                Before me lies a low stone bench surrounded by dancing daffodils and sweeping trees. A short distance away lays a small stream that musically makes its way over dirt and stone filling the air with its tinkling melody. On the bench sits a man. He’s quietly watching a butterfly wing its way over flower and bush but when I enter he looks up and a smile graces his face. Somehow I know he’s been here waiting for me far longer then I’ve been looking for him. 

                He opens his arms wide beckoning me to his side. Despite my desire to act calm my longing for him overcomes my inhibitions and I rush to his side and enveloping arms. There I find safety and love. There I find serenity and peace. There I find acceptance and grace. There I find home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shared previously how I gave the key to my heart over to God. How I gave up all possession of key and gave him sole power over the gate. As a teen the idea of giving God the key was more metaphorical than anything else, but over time the garden became something…..more. Instead of being a vague idea only regulated to keeping others out or in it became a real place. A place where the world was pushed aside and I could meet with my Savior. There I could rest his arms and seek solace from the troubles of my day. Not only could I find comfort there but also joy, laughter, advice, and even chastisement when I needed it. It was and is a safe place. The place where I come to refresh my soul. 

In the beginning the thought of God holding the key was a romantic one. I was going to give the key to God and he was going to procure the perfect man for me. Obviously the ideas of my teenage-self were very different from God’s ideas, but looking back I’m so glad God’s ideas prevailed over mine. God took the naïve promise of twelve year old girl and transformed it into a living breathing relationship with him.

I realize that my story may be the extreme. I imagine not many girls will get to 26 without at least dating once or twice and I’m not saying that my experience should be the norm, but I do think we should have a mentality of placing God first. One where we let God do the leading in our love lives rather than ourselves. He should always be first and foremost. He should be a very real presence that goes through the day with us. The literal everyday lover of our souls.

It astonishes me daily how much he loves and wants me. Me with the penchant for placing things before him and the habit of disappointing myself and him with the choices I make. Despite all this he still wants me with a love I cannot comprehend. No matter how hard I try I can’t find the words to accurately describe the love I am drowning in. There are days I feel so overwhelming loved I don’t know what to do with it all.

Lately God has placed a new desire in my heart. Above all I want him. More than I want to be married. More than I want children. More than anything else. No man can love me the way he does. No man will ever desire me the way he does. No man will ever pursue me the way he does. And that is what this series is about. The God who wants me and you above all else and is willing to move heaven and earth for our hearts.

This is why I began this series on the God who relentlessly pursues us. I want every woman and girl to know the Creator who loves and craves them. To personally know the God who makes the flowers sprout and paints the sunsets just for them. He didn’t have to make the world beautiful, but he did it all because he loves us with an unending unreserved love.

I want so badly for each of you reading this to know the all-compassing love of God. To know that you are beautiful to him and that no amount of money could ever amount to your worth. Each of you holds infinite worth in his eyes and that’s why he’s pursuing the 8 year old playing princess, the 14 year old who’s dealing with self-image issues, the 23 year old young woman just getting married, the 46 year old woman battling a divorce, and the 74 year old woman who’s been married for fifty-two years. He’s pursued each of you from the moment you drew your first breath and he’ll continue to pursue you ‘til the moment you draw your last.   He wants all of you with a longing so fierce he spends each day vying for your attention. He loves you much he willing sacrificed his son even though he knew you might never accept his gift. It is an unending, unconditional love which is not based on anything you do or don’t do. It is genuine true love which is there whether you accept it or not.

Most days I don’t think I have the ability or the experience to write this mini-series. I feel I’m too young and inexperienced to accurately share the ups and downs of our lives as women. Most of the time I sit before my computer, fingers on the keys unmoving, because I’m too afraid to put into words what others may scoff at. I’m afraid that the words I use won’t be enough to touch the hearts of women. That they’ll read them and think I’m a fraud. What could I possibly know about their lives and the experiences they’ve gone through? And they’d be right. I don’t know. I’ve never been married, I’ve never been heart-broken, and I’ve never been abused, broken, or used to irrevocable harm. I don’t know their pain because I’ve never been there. So my heart whispers what’s the use? Why even try? And why, oh why, is God asking this of me? Because I know he is despite my lack of experience and my doubts. 

                Except as I sit here with my fingers upon the keys I realize it’s not my heart that whispers these doubts, its Satan trying to get in and discourage me before I’ve even begun. It’s so easy to believe his lies too, because I’m already predisposed to believe I’m not good enough or talented enough. And he wants me to believe this because if I doubt myself I’ll never reach for what God’s offering: the chance to join in on the work of eternity. If God has asked something of me it’s for a reason, even if that reason is only to see if I obey, but no matter the reason Satan will try everything in his power to stop the work of the Lord. 

So if you’re reading through these today and feel that I have no idea what you’re going through, you’re right. But God does and sometimes he uses the unexpected to reach us where we’re at. I may not have the experiences or the right words but I hope that somewhere in my jumbled mix of words you grow closer to the God who loves you above all else.

Over the next couple of weeks, God-willing, I hope to post nine more posts ranging anywhere from singleness, to the desires we have as women, to advice for guys. I hope you will join me on this adventure of getting to know the God that loves us and pursues us relentlessly and that your relationship with him will be the richer for it. 

                                However, I will forewarn you, should you open your heart to God’s work within your life he’s going to take you down paths that will test and strengthen your relationship with him. The journey to knowing God isn’t any easy one. He loves us with a consuming love but he also wants us to grow. He’s going to search out the dark corners of your heart and he’s going to bring forth things you’d rather not deal with it. He’s going to make you wait when all you want to do is move (or vice versa). And he’s going to ask you to give up things you’d much rather not. Take my word for it, I know. And it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes that all you can do is trust his plan and cry—a lot—but crying is a good thing. It cleanses the heart and makes the pain a little more bearable.

                I’m not trying to scare you off from knowing the God who loves and craves you. I want you to know the God who colored the aurora borealis and hung the stars just for you so much that my heart aches. There’s a country singer that sings I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden. There have been many times when I feel as though God is saying those words to me. We’re not promised an easy path but it’s a path that is lined with good things too. And I promise you you’ll come to find that the good far outweighs the bad. It may not be right away but give it time and gradually you’ll see and feel the joy.

                I pray that each of you will be drawn closer to the God who loves you, desires you, and pursues you. That you truly get to know the God who wants you above all else.  May his love enrich your lives, cause you grow, stretch you, and make you step outside your comfort zone to make you ever more like him.

             

The Key; For the Girls, Part 1

In every life there are defining moments. Moments, when looked back upon, you can say there, there is when everything changed. These moments either thrill us or devastate us, but one thing is certain, they forever alter the patterns of our lives. I’ve had moments like these within my own life. Like the night I became a child of God, the year my parents chose to have more children, the day I headed off to college, or the summer I chose to work at a camp eight hours away from everything I knew. Each event crept up on me. None were made with deliberate effort in advance, and yet, in each of the moments I can see God’s hand at work, shaping me for a future I couldn’t see. Amongst these moments sits one (apart from the night I accepted Christ as my Savior) that has changed and molded my life in more ways than I can possibly explain or even understand.

               

 I was twelve that summer. I remember it as one of the best summers of my childhood. My friend and her family had just moved back to Minnesota from Virginia and they were staying at her grandparents for the summer. My brother and I spent almost every day that summer hanging out with her and her younger brother. We swam, rode bikes, watched Star Wars more times than I could count (I’ve never seen the Death Star blow up as many times as I did that summer. The boys loved to watch it blow up in slow motion over and over again), ate so many warheads that our tongues went numb and raw, collected pop bottle caps in hopes that we’d win something (of course we never did), and even did school (we were homeschooled) and I didn’t even mind! We built houses out of cardboard boxes, looked for household items in the JCPenney catalog, and cut out scrapbook paper for the wallpaper. I think we even planned out vegetable and flower gardens. It was a glorious, sun baked, laughter filled, friendship cementing, memory making summer. It was the type of summer where, looking back, you wish you could live it all again. 

                It was in the midst of these moments that something extraordinary happened—although at the time it seemed completely ordinary. There was no way I could have known that one simple decision would have a rippling effect that would slowly change and shape my life over the next fifteen years. 

                I have always a passion, boarding on obsession, for reading and it was no different that summer. My friend and I probably spent half that summer either at the library or reading what we'd checked out. The one series I remember most vividly was the Christy Miller books by Robin Jones Gunn. We instantly fell in love with them and spent years afterwards reading and rereading the books. I remember long phone conversations where we would sit forever just talking about them. To this day they hold a special place in my heart.

                The series followed the life of a girl named Christy through her high school and college years. At the beginning of the series Christy’s relationship with the Lord isn’t the greatest but her relationship with him slowly grows through each book. By the end of the series she has transformed into a young woman who loves the Lord and desires to follow his will no matter where it might lead her.

                In book twelve Christy is in Europe on a mission trip with some of her friends. Halfway through her friend Tracy shares a poem with her that she had written years ago for the guy she liked. 

Within my heart a garden grows,

Wild with violets and fragrant rose.

Bright daffodils line the narrow path,

My footsteps silent as I pass.

Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;

I kneel in prayer to seek God’s best.

For ‘round my garden a fence stands firm

 To guard my heart so I can learn

Who should enter and who should wait

on the other side of my locked gate.

I clasp the key around my neck and wonder if the time is yet.

If I unlock the gate today,

Would you come in? Or run away?

                The poem sits heavy on Christy’s heart and over the next couple of chapters she begins to think about what it means in relation to her relationship with God and guys. In one of the very last chapters of the book she prays this prayer: 

“Lord Jesus I want you to hold the key. I want You to decide what should happen
in my heart’s garden. I want You to let in or send out anything or anybody You want. Especially with guys. I don’t want to ever unlock that gate again. I want You to open it only when the right man comes along. Take the key, Lord. Take all my keys. I’ll wait for You.”

Christy’s decision resonated within my own heart and I found myself praying the same prayer. I don’t remember the exact words I used, but I remember handing the key over to God freely giving up my rights to the key and the door to my heart. I didn’t know it at the time but that simple prayer changed my life forever. There are days when I wonder if I would have so willingly given up the key had I truly understood what I was giving up and what it meant for my future. However, looking back, I am immensely glad my teenage-self made that promise. It may have altered my life forever and led me down paths I would never have chosen for myself, but it has also deepened my relationship with God and set me on an amazing journey I would never have traveled if I hadn’t given up the key.

                I’d given up the key but I still fully expected to grow up and get married quickly. I had always believed I didn’t need to date until I was at least eighteen because the relationship couldn’t go anywhere until then. However, I’d also believed I would date at eighteen or shortly thereafter. I hadn’t planned on going to college or living by myself. No, my dream was to grow up (18 or 19 being grown-up), meet the man God had for me, get married, and we’d start our lives together. Only thing was, in the midst of my dreaming I apparently never stopped to ask what God’s plan was. 

                Eighteen quickly passed and then nineteen with no prospects in sight. I left for college and expected to meet someone. Twenty came and went as did twenty-one. Twenty-two quickly followed with twenty-three close behind. Still there was no one and I began to wonder what God was doing. 

Years passed and never once did God even hint he was going to open the gate. At some point I began to imagine the walls surrounding my heart resembled the walls of the garden from The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. Overgrown with ivy and hidden from the world. The gate, previously easily found, now seemed to be firmly concealed by solid inches of green foliage. 

I’m not going to say I understand what God was doing or that I fully accepted it at times. In fact there have been days and nights over the years where I have ranted and raved at God and there have been many, many, many tears shed over his decision, but each time God has calmly held out the key and asked if I would like it back. However, despite the days when I bemoan my single state, I’ve never wanted possession of the key. I want to know that when the gate finally opens it was because God chose to open it not me.

                Despite my reluctance in God’s plan from time to time I’ve always had the reassurance that should he ever open the gate it would because a guy cared enough to search for my heart in God and all the pain and questioning in the world could never measure up to this knowledge.

                Twenty-six years of life have passed without a single hint of God moving to open the gate. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never even had a crush on a boy. Oh sure, I’ve thought boys where cute and I wouldn’t mind if they decided to look my way, but I was never hurt when they didn’t. There are days when I’ve wondered if I’m normal. If my lack of feelings means there’s something wrong with me, but I’ve finally come to the understanding that I am perfectly normal, only God has locked up my heart and when the time is right he’ll know. I know it sounds funny, but somehow I know I’m just waiting for his permission to finally fall in love.

                I don’t always like sharing my story because people cast me funny looks when I tell them and look at me as though I’m a little crazy. It’s easier to just let it be and let people think I’m really picky or prefer to be single, but God has placed a burden on my heart to share my story. Over the past two years he has been demonstrating how he is lover of my soul and the relentless pursuer of my heart. He wants me to understand all I need is him and place him first within my life. There is nothing that I should long for more than him.

                Two years ago I read Captivated by Grace by Dr. David Jeremiah followed by Captivating by John and Stacy Eldredge. What God showed me there was absolutely, life-stopping, astounding. From those pages I began to see a God who desired me above all else. A God who’d spent every moment of my life pursuing me, looking for my attention. I’d always wanted a man to notice me, to love me, and to pursue me. As a woman this something God has engrained into my heart and I’d spent my life searching for it when all along God was whispering What about me? I want you. Notice me.

My female heart longed for someone who would go to the ends of the world for me. Someone who would fight dragons in my name, bring me flowers, call me up just to say he’s thinking about me, and brag to everyone he knew that I was his girl. I have yet to find an earthly man who will do these things for me, but I have found someone else who will. Instead of bringing me flowers he makes them sprout just for me. He never has to call me up because he never leaves my side. Angels rejoice because he calls me his. And he really did go to the ends of the world and fight dragons for me. His love is incomparable and I am covered in it.

And that is what this series is about. It’s about the God who wants you more than life itself and will fight death just for you. His love is immeasurable and overflowing. Make no mistake he’s not passively waiting for you; he’s actively at work pursuing you just waiting for the day you wake up and notice.