Monday, March 11, 2013

The Beginning of Something New; For the Girls, Part 2


             I come to the garden alone. A maze of green shrubs lies between me and the door, but I am not daunted by the twists and turns that would quickly deter another. I’ve traversed these paths since I was a child and I know the way through like a well-traveled road. I quickly move through the leafy maze avoiding dead ends and greeting familiar places with a smile and fond memories.

Soon I stand before a wall so covered in ivy any other would have mistaken it for a dead end, but I know the truth and so I search for the door hidden by time and vines. My hand, guided by memory and familiarity, swiftly finds the door carved from oak and engraved with trailing strands of ivy and rambling swirls of flowers. I gently push the door open and quietly duck beneath the falling ivy. One step inside the hidden garden my soul quiets and the tension I’d unknowingly held trickles from my frame. I close my eyes and breathe deep of the clean air.

                Before me lies a low stone bench surrounded by dancing daffodils and sweeping trees. A short distance away lays a small stream that musically makes its way over dirt and stone filling the air with its tinkling melody. On the bench sits a man. He’s quietly watching a butterfly wing its way over flower and bush but when I enter he looks up and a smile graces his face. Somehow I know he’s been here waiting for me far longer then I’ve been looking for him. 

                He opens his arms wide beckoning me to his side. Despite my desire to act calm my longing for him overcomes my inhibitions and I rush to his side and enveloping arms. There I find safety and love. There I find serenity and peace. There I find acceptance and grace. There I find home.


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I shared previously how I gave the key to my heart over to God. How I gave up all possession of key and gave him sole power over the gate. As a teen the idea of giving God the key was more metaphorical than anything else, but over time the garden became something…..more. Instead of being a vague idea only regulated to keeping others out or in it became a real place. A place where the world was pushed aside and I could meet with my Savior. There I could rest his arms and seek solace from the troubles of my day. Not only could I find comfort there but also joy, laughter, advice, and even chastisement when I needed it. It was and is a safe place. The place where I come to refresh my soul. 

In the beginning the thought of God holding the key was a romantic one. I was going to give the key to God and he was going to procure the perfect man for me. Obviously the ideas of my teenage-self were very different from God’s ideas, but looking back I’m so glad God’s ideas prevailed over mine. God took the naïve promise of twelve year old girl and transformed it into a living breathing relationship with him.

I realize that my story may be the extreme. I imagine not many girls will get to 26 without at least dating once or twice and I’m not saying that my experience should be the norm, but I do think we should have a mentality of placing God first. One where we let God do the leading in our love lives rather than ourselves. He should always be first and foremost. He should be a very real presence that goes through the day with us. The literal everyday lover of our souls.

It astonishes me daily how much he loves and wants me. Me with the penchant for placing things before him and the habit of disappointing myself and him with the choices I make. Despite all this he still wants me with a love I cannot comprehend. No matter how hard I try I can’t find the words to accurately describe the love I am drowning in. There are days I feel so overwhelming loved I don’t know what to do with it all.

Lately God has placed a new desire in my heart. Above all I want him. More than I want to be married. More than I want children. More than anything else. No man can love me the way he does. No man will ever desire me the way he does. No man will ever pursue me the way he does. And that is what this series is about. The God who wants me and you above all else and is willing to move heaven and earth for our hearts.

This is why I began this series on the God who relentlessly pursues us. I want every woman and girl to know the Creator who loves and craves them. To personally know the God who makes the flowers sprout and paints the sunsets just for them. He didn’t have to make the world beautiful, but he did it all because he loves us with an unending unreserved love.

I want so badly for each of you reading this to know the all-compassing love of God. To know that you are beautiful to him and that no amount of money could ever amount to your worth. Each of you holds infinite worth in his eyes and that’s why he’s pursuing the 8 year old playing princess, the 14 year old who’s dealing with self-image issues, the 23 year old young woman just getting married, the 46 year old woman battling a divorce, and the 74 year old woman who’s been married for fifty-two years. He’s pursued each of you from the moment you drew your first breath and he’ll continue to pursue you ‘til the moment you draw your last.   He wants all of you with a longing so fierce he spends each day vying for your attention. He loves you much he willing sacrificed his son even though he knew you might never accept his gift. It is an unending, unconditional love which is not based on anything you do or don’t do. It is genuine true love which is there whether you accept it or not.

Most days I don’t think I have the ability or the experience to write this mini-series. I feel I’m too young and inexperienced to accurately share the ups and downs of our lives as women. Most of the time I sit before my computer, fingers on the keys unmoving, because I’m too afraid to put into words what others may scoff at. I’m afraid that the words I use won’t be enough to touch the hearts of women. That they’ll read them and think I’m a fraud. What could I possibly know about their lives and the experiences they’ve gone through? And they’d be right. I don’t know. I’ve never been married, I’ve never been heart-broken, and I’ve never been abused, broken, or used to irrevocable harm. I don’t know their pain because I’ve never been there. So my heart whispers what’s the use? Why even try? And why, oh why, is God asking this of me? Because I know he is despite my lack of experience and my doubts. 

                Except as I sit here with my fingers upon the keys I realize it’s not my heart that whispers these doubts, its Satan trying to get in and discourage me before I’ve even begun. It’s so easy to believe his lies too, because I’m already predisposed to believe I’m not good enough or talented enough. And he wants me to believe this because if I doubt myself I’ll never reach for what God’s offering: the chance to join in on the work of eternity. If God has asked something of me it’s for a reason, even if that reason is only to see if I obey, but no matter the reason Satan will try everything in his power to stop the work of the Lord. 

So if you’re reading through these today and feel that I have no idea what you’re going through, you’re right. But God does and sometimes he uses the unexpected to reach us where we’re at. I may not have the experiences or the right words but I hope that somewhere in my jumbled mix of words you grow closer to the God who loves you above all else.

Over the next couple of weeks, God-willing, I hope to post nine more posts ranging anywhere from singleness, to the desires we have as women, to advice for guys. I hope you will join me on this adventure of getting to know the God that loves us and pursues us relentlessly and that your relationship with him will be the richer for it. 

                                However, I will forewarn you, should you open your heart to God’s work within your life he’s going to take you down paths that will test and strengthen your relationship with him. The journey to knowing God isn’t any easy one. He loves us with a consuming love but he also wants us to grow. He’s going to search out the dark corners of your heart and he’s going to bring forth things you’d rather not deal with it. He’s going to make you wait when all you want to do is move (or vice versa). And he’s going to ask you to give up things you’d much rather not. Take my word for it, I know. And it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes that all you can do is trust his plan and cry—a lot—but crying is a good thing. It cleanses the heart and makes the pain a little more bearable.

                I’m not trying to scare you off from knowing the God who loves and craves you. I want you to know the God who colored the aurora borealis and hung the stars just for you so much that my heart aches. There’s a country singer that sings I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden. There have been many times when I feel as though God is saying those words to me. We’re not promised an easy path but it’s a path that is lined with good things too. And I promise you you’ll come to find that the good far outweighs the bad. It may not be right away but give it time and gradually you’ll see and feel the joy.

                I pray that each of you will be drawn closer to the God who loves you, desires you, and pursues you. That you truly get to know the God who wants you above all else.  May his love enrich your lives, cause you grow, stretch you, and make you step outside your comfort zone to make you ever more like him.




             

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Key; For the Girls, Part 1




In every life there are defining moments. Moments, when looked back upon, you can say there, there is when everything changed. These moments either thrill us or devastate us, but one thing is certain, they forever alter the patterns of our lives. I’ve had moments like these within my own life. Like the night I became a child of God, the year my parents chose to have more children, the day I headed off to college, or the summer I chose to work at a camp eight hours away from everything I knew. Each event crept up on me. None were made with deliberate effort in advance, and yet, in each of the moments I can see God’s hand at work, shaping me for a future I couldn’t see. Amongst these moments sits one (apart from the night I accepted Christ as my Savior) that has changed and molded my life in more ways than I can possibly explain or even understand.
               
 I was twelve that summer. I remember it as one of the best summers of my childhood. My friend and her family had just moved back to Minnesota from Virginia and they were staying at her grandparents for the summer. My brother and I spent almost every day that summer hanging out with her and her younger brother. We swam, rode bikes, watched Star Wars more times than I could count (I’ve never seen the Death Star blow up as many times as I did that summer. The boys loved to watch it blow up in slow motion over and over again), ate so many warheads that our tongues went numb and raw, collected pop bottle caps in hopes that we’d win something (of course we never did), and even did school (we were homeschooled) and I didn’t even mind! We built houses out of cardboard boxes, looked for household items in the JCPenney catalog, and cut out scrapbook paper for the wallpaper. I think we even planned out vegetable and flower gardens. It was a glorious, sun baked, laughter filled, friendship cementing, memory making summer. It was the type of summer where, looking back, you wish you could live it all again. 

                It was in the midst of these moments that something extraordinary happened—although at the time it seemed completely ordinary. There was no way I could have known that one simple decision would have a rippling effect that would slowly change and shape my life over the next fifteen years. 

                I have always a passion, boarding on obsession, for reading and it was no different that summer. My friend and I probably spent half that summer either at the library or reading what we'd checked out. The one series I remember most vividly was the Christy Miller books by Robin Jones Gunn. We instantly fell in love with them and spent years afterwards reading and rereading the books. I remember long phone conversations where we would sit forever just talking about them. To this day they hold a special place in my heart.

                The series followed the life of a girl named Christy through her high school and college years. At the beginning of the series Christy’s relationship with the Lord isn’t the greatest but her relationship with him slowly grows through each book. By the end of the series she has transformed into a young woman who loves the Lord and desires to follow his will no matter where it might lead her.

                In book twelve Christy is in Europe on a mission trip with some of her friends. Halfway through her friend Tracy shares a poem with her that she had written years ago for the guy she liked. 

Within my heart a garden grows,
Wild with violets and fragrant rose.
Bright daffodils line the narrow path,
My footsteps silent as I pass.
Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;
I kneel in prayer to seek God’s best.
For ‘round my garden a fence stands firm
 To guard my heart so I can learn
Who should enter and who should wait
on the other side of my locked gate.
I clasp the key around my neck and wonder if the time is yet.
If I unlock the gate today,
Would you come in? Or run away?


                The poem sits heavy on Christy’s heart and over the next couple of chapters she begins to think about what it means in relation to her relationship with God and guys. In one of the very last chapters of the book she prays this prayer: 


“Lord Jesus I want you to hold the key. I want You to decide what should happen
in my heart’s garden.
I want You to let in or send out anything or anybody You want. Especially with guys. I don’t want to ever unlock that gate again. I want You to open it only when the right man comes along. Take the key, Lord. Take all my keys. I’ll wait for You.”


Christy’s decision resonated within my own heart and I found myself praying the same prayer. I don’t remember the exact words I used, but I remember handing the key over to God freely giving up my rights to the key and the door to my heart. I didn’t know it at the time but that simple prayer changed my life forever. There are days when I wonder if I would have so willingly given up the key had I truly understood what I was giving up and what it meant for my future. However, looking back, I am immensely glad my teenage-self made that promise. It may have altered my life forever and led me down paths I would never have chosen for myself, but it has also deepened my relationship with God and set me on an amazing journey I would never have traveled if I hadn’t given up the key.

                I’d given up the key but I still fully expected to grow up and get married quickly. I had always believed I didn’t need to date until I was at least eighteen because the relationship couldn’t go anywhere until then. However, I’d also believed I would date at eighteen or shortly thereafter. I hadn’t planned on going to college or living by myself. No, my dream was to grow up (18 or 19 being grown-up), meet the man God had for me, get married, and we’d start our lives together. Only thing was, in the midst of my dreaming I apparently never stopped to ask what God’s plan was. 

                Eighteen quickly passed and then nineteen with no prospects in sight. I left for college and expected to meet someone. Twenty came and went as did twenty-one. Twenty-two quickly followed with twenty-three close behind. Still there was no one and I began to wonder what God was doing. 

Years passed and never once did God even hint he was going to open the gate. At some point I began to imagine the walls surrounding my heart resembled the walls of the garden from The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. Overgrown with ivy and hidden from the world. The gate, previously easily found, now seemed to be firmly concealed by solid inches of green foliage. 

I’m not going to say I understand what God was doing or that I fully accepted it at times. In fact there have been days and nights over the years where I have ranted and raved at God and there have been many, many, many tears shed over his decision, but each time God has calmly held out the key and asked if I would like it back. However, despite the days when I bemoan my single state, I’ve never wanted possession of the key. I want to know that when the gate finally opens it was because God chose to open it not me.

                Despite my reluctance in God’s plan from time to time I’ve always had the reassurance that should he ever open the gate it would because a guy cared enough to search for my heart in God and all the pain and questioning in the world could never measure up to this knowledge.

                Twenty-six years of life have passed without a single hint of God moving to open the gate. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never even had a crush on a boy. Oh sure, I’ve thought boys where cute and I wouldn’t mind if they decided to look my way, but I was never hurt when they didn’t. There are days when I’ve wondered if I’m normal. If my lack of feelings means there’s something wrong with me, but I’ve finally come to the understanding that I am perfectly normal, only God has locked up my heart and when the time is right he’ll know. I know it sounds funny, but somehow I know I’m just waiting for his permission to finally fall in love.

                I don’t always like sharing my story because people cast me funny looks when I tell them and look at me as though I’m a little crazy. It’s easier to just let it be and let people think I’m really picky or prefer to be single, but God has placed a burden on my heart to share my story. Over the past two years he has been demonstrating how he is lover of my soul and the relentless pursuer of my heart. He wants me to understand all I need is him and place him first within my life. There is nothing that I should long for more than him.

                Two years ago I read Captivated by Grace by Dr. David Jeremiah followed by Captivating by John and Stacy Eldredge. What God showed me there was absolutely, life-stopping, astounding. From those pages I began to see a God who desired me above all else. A God who’d spent every moment of my life pursuing me, looking for my attention. I’d always wanted a man to notice me, to love me, and to pursue me. As a woman this something God has engrained into my heart and I’d spent my life searching for it when all along God was whispering What about me? I want you. Notice me.

My female heart longed for someone who would go to the ends of the world for me. Someone who would fight dragons in my name, bring me flowers, call me up just to say he’s thinking about me, and brag to everyone he knew that I was his girl. I have yet to find an earthly man who will do these things for me, but I have found someone else who will. Instead of bringing me flowers he makes them sprout just for me. He never has to call me up because he never leaves my side. Angels rejoice because he calls me his. And he really did go to the ends of the world and fight dragons for me. His love is incomparable and I am covered in it.

And that is what this series is about. It’s about the God who wants you more than life itself and will fight death just for you. His love is immeasurable and overflowing. Make no mistake he’s not passively waiting for you; he’s actively at work pursuing you just waiting for the day you wake up and notice.