Remind Me Who I Am

~~ I sit on the garden bench waiting for him. Normally I am happy and excited for him to arrive, but today I am nervous, and yes, a little scared. For I have done something shameful and I have broken his trust. I know I must confess, but he must already know. How could he not?  In agitation I begin to pace. I am torn between wanting him to show and hoping that he doesn’t. If he doesn’t come I won’t have to face what I have done but I know that if he doesn’t it will be all I can think about.

There! I hear his soft footsteps on the grass. As he comes around the last shrub I am half turned away, poised to flee at the slightest hint of anger. He comes and stands before me and for several tension filled moments silence reigns. Finally he speaks and the pain I hear in his voice breaks my heart. Tears course down my face. I managed to choke out that I am sorry and I beg for his forgiveness. 

I feel a feather light stroke on my hair and I hear his soft voice uttering the three words I long to hear-- I forgive you. 

Those three little words should be enough, but I find no relief. He may have forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself. I turn to flee for his presence is too hard to bear at present. He reaches out a hand to grasp arm, to bring me back to him, but I shrug it off and disappear behind the gate.~~

A couple of weeks ago I crawled in to bed and sent up my normal nightly prayer. I hurriedly asked that God would keep us safe during the night and that I would have peaceful and restful night of sleep.  I shied away from anything more than that because I was afraid, insecure, and ashamed.

 I knew that I had disobeyed God, and while, I had gone before God, confessed my sin, and asked for his forgiveness I felt as though I was repeating the same sins over and over again. It was as if I was in a vicious circle that went around and around and never ended. I knew that God forgives us and casts our sins as far as the east is from the west, but how could he keep forgiving me? Yes, I was truly sorry for what I had done and I was prepared to accept his discipline, but surely there was an end to his patience and forgiveness. So in my humiliation and pain I chose to avoid God. Afraid of what I would find if I let myself back into his presence.  So I shut him out, put my headphones in, and turned on my music. 

God, however, had other plans. He had been whispering into my heart for a while, asking me to stop running, but I had ignored his whispers to insecure and angry at myself to listen. But in my hurried attempts to avoid God I forgot one very important fact. He wasn’t going to sit passively by waiting for me shape up and listen. No, he was going to keep on doing what he’s always done—relentlessly pursuing me. That is the beauty of God’s all-consuming love--he fights for us even when we feel we’re not worth fighting for. So even though I shut God out he still found a way to creep back in. 

That night as I turned my music on a song began to play that I had never heard before. From the very first verse I could hear God speaking to me and for once I listened. The song was entitled “Remind Me Who I am” by Jason Gray. In the song he sings, 

When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

Verse 2:
When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I am your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.

Those words pierced my soul. I had forgotten what grace looked like and I had been running far from home. I was having a hard time receiving God’s love because I felt I wasn’t, nor would I ever be, enough. God saw things differently though and he wanted to remind me of it.  For no matter where I go or what I do I WILL ALWAYS BELONG TO HIM. Those words hit me like a mac truck. How could I have forgotten that? 

God used the song to reach into my heart and make me pay attention to him. I needed to be reminded of who I was in him. That no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I would always be his beloved. Just because I am faithless doesn’t mean he is (Rom 3:3). Even in my sin and shame he is always faithful. God’s character and how he acts towards me is not based on my faithfulness towards him. I can grieve him and break his heart but that won’t change his love, his very character. He has always and will always remain faithful to me even when I am faithless.

Since that night God has teaching me about grace. Grace is not deserved in any sort of way. It is a gift that is given freely. It is not something I can earn or buy my way towards. I know that, I’ve always known that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling as though I need to prove myself to him. Sure I’ll come before him and confess my wrongs, but I don’t feel free to spend time with him until I’ve proven that I can conquer the sin. Somehow I always seem to forget that I am sinful creature and no matter how hard I try I am always going to commit some form wrong at some point or another. I cannot beat this. It is the reality of being a part of a fallen world.

At some point I realized that I had been imagining God coming to meeting me in the garden of my soul. Once there he would tell me that I needed work on a certain area of my life. Just before he leaves he turns around and informs me that once I’ve fixed this area then I may come back and look for him. I believe this is a vicious lie that Satan has placed in my life in order to separate me from the God who longs to help me. Yes, he asks me to clean up parts of my life, to change those things that don’t honor him, but he doesn’t leave me alone to accomplish the task. He stays by my side to encourage and help me through the often painful ordeal.

Lately I haven’t felt as though I’ve really allowed God to work in my life, but as I write this I’m coming to the realization of how much he’s been teaching me. It’s amazing how much he touches my life even when I’m a stubborn, annoying, and willful child. I honestly can say that I could never put into words how much he truly loves me and I am humbled by that realization. To realize that the almighty God loves me more than words and actions can say even when I am horrible wretch in need of his saving grace.

~~ I enter the garden hesitantly afraid that he will be there and rebuff me. I peer around a shrub only to see him sitting on the bench quietly staring off into space. My heart sinks a little, but I know must go forward. So I take a deep breath and slowly slink around the bush until I am fully in garden. I no longer have anything to hide behind and I am terrified. Suddenly he looks up and sees me standing there hesitantly. I imagine I resemble a rabbit poised to flee at the slightest hint of danger. But instead of the anger or indifference I expect to find a radiant smile breaks out on his face. He stands and opens his arms wide beckoning me to come to his warmth and love. With a sob of relief I launch myself into arms and there I find the refuge, love, joy and  relief I’ve been searching for. He whispers quietly, so quietly I almost miss it, “Welcome home Beloved.” ~~