Thursday, May 9, 2013

The 5 Stages; For the Girls, Part 3: Singleness



I’ve given up on the idea that I will ever meet the right guy. Well, that’s not completely true, I’m more… ambivalent to the whole idea. However, that may stem from the fact that I’ve been way too busy to give it more than a passing thought. That, coupled with the realization that 27 lies at few short months away, leaves me with the growing belief that my chances of meeting “the one” is found somewhere in the vicinity of one in a number filled with way to many zeroes. Why do I believe this? Well let’s see: number one, I live in Bemidji which, let’s face it, pretty much means that the chances of finding a suitable guy lies somewhere in the range of nil. Number two: all I seem to do is go to work, come home, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, visit family, come home, go to work, go to church, come home, go to work, come home, hang out with girlfriends, come home, go to work- and well, you get the picture. So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my chances of finding a suitable guy who loves Jesus, is single, is somewhat near my age, and finds me attractive has about as much probability as me finding an elephant munching on leaves in my backyard.

A couple of months ago a close friend revealed she’s admired the grace with which I’ve accepted my single state over the years. Her words were nice to hear, but a part of me laughed because I know it’s not true. I know I haven’t accepted my singleness with grace or even with a good attitude half the time. I know most of time I fluctuate between feelings of loneliness, insecurity, anger, hurt, and unfairness. Only I hide these feelings in the quiet of my own heart rather than show them to the world at large. Sure the years have tempered my feelings and there are many days where I like being single, but that doesn’t mean I always accept it with grace. 

In the last two years God has operated a lot of changes in my attitude. He’s changed the way I view both my singleness and him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I feel like crying from loneliness or days were I feel like railing at God because he’s graced me with singleness rather than a family of my own.  

Coming to grips with the idea God has called me to singleness isn’t always easy. Through the years I’ve built up dreams and made plans for what my life would look like if God would only send the “right one” along. Many of these dreams first began when I was little. They’ve grown with me over the years, slowly entwining around my heart and mind until the thought of losing them feels like losing a part of myself. And yet God asks me to hand over the dream.  And when he does it feels like a part of me is being ripped out. That’s why the process of accepting God’s call of singleness upon my life (whether it’s temporary or permanent) has required a grieving process. I’m learning to let go of something I’ve held dear to my heart for years, something that God, in his wisdom, is asking me to let go of.

From this painful experience I’ve discovered the process follows many of the steps of grieving a loved one. I’m not saying it’s exactly the same because nothing compares to losing a loved one, but we are grieving the loss of something dear and precious to us. We try to deny and ignore singleness has been thrust upon us, we bargain with God and when that fails we sink into depression and loneliness. We harbor anger, bitterness, and resentment, until finally, in spurts, we begin to accept and move on.

                 We all experience the stages of grieving differently. Some may process the loss quickly and move on easily, others may have a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of their seemingly endless single state. For me the stages have happened slowly over the length of almost a decade. Even now there are times when I feel like I regress and fall into a stage I thought I’d left long ago. 

                Each of the stages entwines with the others. Denial may be one stage and anger another, but just because they’re listed separately doesn’t mean they can’t be felt together. Often times the emotions we go through collide together making us feel as though we’re a giant ball of string fated to forever be tied in an impossibly tangled mess.

Denial- Singleness is a wave that silently washes over us. We don’t always notice it at first, not until we’ve been pulled far from what we always thought we wanted. Friends and family members are dating and getting married and yet we've been left alone to drift by ourselves. Each month and year that passes seems to pull us further and further away from what we always wanted. Despite this we like to convince ourselves we’re really not that far. We embrace the comfort of denial because we’d rather believe we’re closer to our desire than we truly are. We don’t want to accept the reality of living life alone and so we warmly and willingly welcome denial. Denial makes the pain bearable. Denial is what keeps us going some days. We don’t want to believe God may being calling us to singleness so we deflect, we deny the truth, and we hide from the knowledge we may be forever alone.

Bargaining- Years pass however and the longer we’re alone the harder it is to accept that the “one” even exists. As a result we begin to barter with God. We promise him we’ll spend more time with him, we offer to give more of our time and money to church and charities, we even promise to change our habits if that’s what God asks of us as along as he finally sends our significant other along. We offer everything we can think of, and yet, no matter how much we plead and beg it seems as though nothing we offer budges him in the right direction. It’s in these moments, when God doesn’t seem to care about our prayers, that we let anger, bitterness, and resentment seep in.

                Anger, Bitterness, and Resentment- Of all the stages this one offers the most danger. Let free upon the heart it will wreck more destruction than a tornado through Chicago. It is also the most seductive of the five stages. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly which leads us to believe that we have a right to feel cheated and angry. We see others who are happily together and we wonder how God could give them such a gift when he withholds it from us. Our friends begin to marry, build lives together, and have children while we feel left on the outskirts of life. Unfairness towards God’s (seemingly) lackadaisy approach on our lives builds and bitterness quietly (or for some of us, not so quietly) begins to take root. Anger and bitterness let free on our hearts and lives will slowly destroy our relationship with God and others. 

                The summer after my brother got married I moved in with both him and his wife (not something I’d recommend by the way, especially when they’re practically newlyweds, even if you are best friends with said brother. But I digress…). Despite having difficulties I enjoyed that summer because I got a chance to know my sister-in-law, we had a large yard with a garden, an actual house (not an apartment!), and I got to go fishing quite a few times. On one of those fishing trips I remember sitting in the boat looking at my brother and his wife thinking how badly I wanted to get married and have kids. I knew they’d being having children soon and I so badly wanted our kids to grow up together. I could see us going camping every summer, spending holidays enjoying the laughter of our children, and of course watching them grow up together. 

It was on that sunny July afternoon that I first felt the beginnings of true bitterness take root in my heart. It crept in so quietly I hardly knew it was there at first, but as it grew I began to realize something was wrong. I was angry all the time and no matter how much I prayed or read my bible all I felt towards God was overwhelming resentment. I had no idea what was wrong. I felt horrible and I couldn’t figure out why. I honestly had no idea why I felt such anger and resentment in my heart, all I knew was that I couldn’t live with it festering inside me. 

It was tearing me away from God and it was affecting my relationships.  Despite all of this it took me over a month and half before I truly turned to God in desperation. It was then that he revealed how much I’d begun to resent him because I’d felt he was withholding something I wanted. I couldn’t believe how much anger and bitterness I’d built up in such a small amount of time. In shock and pain I fell to my knees in front of him and begged for his forgiveness. 

Since that day I’ve learned to check my heart. I’ve learned to notice when bitterness seeps in and anger beat at the walls. Over the years I no longer struggle with them as much, but Satan knows my weaknesses and he will exploit them given the chance. So with God’s help I learn to keep a vigil. When I feel bitterness, anger, or resentment begin to take hold I’ve learned the only thing I can do is turn to God for cleansing and healing. It’s not always easy but it is necessary if I wish to build a relationship with him.

Depression and Loneliness- Despite our best endeavors to accept our singleness with joy there are days and weeks where loneliness and depression are our closest companions. I’ve found over the years that these moments seem to revolve around two things. The first tends to happen when friends (especially those whom I remember being ten year old kids) get engaged and married. The second seems to occur when my hormones go crazy rather like atoms in a boiling pot of water, completely out of whack and no idea where to go so they proceed to wreak havoc on my normally peaceful life.

Of the five stages I think this one bears the most pain. It's in these moments that you are keenly reminded of your singleness and how alone you truly feel. These are the moments where you notice every couple who passes you on the street, every pregnant woman, and every young mother with her children. No matter how hard you try not to see them you can’t avoid it; not unless you choose to sit at home alone on the couch eating Oreos and butter pecan ice cream out the container, but not even that helps. All it does is remind you all the more of your single state.

Acceptance- Ah, the elusive acceptance of our single state. I must admit I’m a little bit jealous of those who step onto the path of singleness with a blithe step and happy countenance. I wish it had been that easy for me. Instead it took me years to even come close to a point where I could start to accept it. Apparently, I have been a remarkably slow learner! 

Acceptance can be the hardest of the stages to acquire and many times we make it there only to fall back to one of the previous steps. I know there are multiple times where, despite my best efforts and desires, I slip away from my contentment in God’s plan for my life. For me, the easiest stage to fall back on is depression and loneliness. When these moments come I have to remind myself that God has plan. Maybe it’s not a plan I can see or understand but it’s an amazing plan none the less. 

Isaiah 14:24 says “The Lord almighty has sworn, surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.” (emphasis mine). God has a plan for my life. One he’s laid out and planned just for me. Is it the one I had picked out for myself? No, in fact it’s strayed quite a bit from where I thought I’d be, but I know that he has set forth a plan for my life and despite how I think it should be his plan is infinitely better. 

After years of struggling against God’s plans I’ve finally come to a place where I find I can accept his call upon my life. Yes, there are days where I still struggle and wonder why he’s called me to be alone, but on those days I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is turn to him and hand over the worries and hurts I carry inside. He is my resting place. The one who constantly reminds me of how much I am loved and wanted by a God who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway. And that, that is the best part of any day.

None of the emotions flowing through these stages are easy and yet so many times we don’t want to give them up when confronted with them (I’m not saying that there aren’t days where we wouldn’t give anything to be rid of them. There have definitely been days where I have prayed, begging God, to take away the emotions running through me). It just that some days we want to have a pity party or days where we can just feel angry because we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We feel we have the right to feel the way we do. Despite these moments each of us must be confronted by the painful truth- that by holding unto these emotions we are willingly accepting a part of our sinful natures. Our feelings of anger, denial, unfairness, and depression stem from a direct lack of trust in God’s plan for our lives. Is it easy to learn to let go of these negative emotions? No, it’s not. Is necessary to let them go? Yes, if we want to continue building a stronger relationship with God.

However, I’m not belittling these emotions either. I know how hard it is to walk through the dark moments when it feels like anger is eating you up, denial your strongest ally, and depression the enemy knocking down your door. Some days it’s easier to let the emotions rule us rather than fight them-especially when we feel we’re fighting alone. It’s easy for me to say that you’re not alone. That God is at your side willing and able to fight your battles with you, but just because I say it doesn’t make the war any easier to fight. I know this, but still I want to say it because I know he will fight your battles with you, he’ll hold you up when you’re too tired to carry on, and he’ll bind up the wounds you may encounter along the way. I know I've said it before, that the journey is going to be hard, but take it from someone who’s still traveling along the path, the moments may be hard but the relationship you build with God is worth more than any painful situation you may face.