The Key; For the Girls, Part 1

In every life there are defining moments. Moments, when looked back upon, you can say there, there is when everything changed. These moments either thrill us or devastate us, but one thing is certain, they forever alter the patterns of our lives. I’ve had moments like these within my own life. Like the night I became a child of God, the year my parents chose to have more children, the day I headed off to college, or the summer I chose to work at a camp eight hours away from everything I knew. Each event crept up on me. None were made with deliberate effort in advance, and yet, in each of the moments I can see God’s hand at work, shaping me for a future I couldn’t see. Amongst these moments sits one (apart from the night I accepted Christ as my Savior) that has changed and molded my life in more ways than I can possibly explain or even understand.

               

 I was twelve that summer. I remember it as one of the best summers of my childhood. My friend and her family had just moved back to Minnesota from Virginia and they were staying at her grandparents for the summer. My brother and I spent almost every day that summer hanging out with her and her younger brother. We swam, rode bikes, watched Star Wars more times than I could count (I’ve never seen the Death Star blow up as many times as I did that summer. The boys loved to watch it blow up in slow motion over and over again), ate so many warheads that our tongues went numb and raw, collected pop bottle caps in hopes that we’d win something (of course we never did), and even did school (we were homeschooled) and I didn’t even mind! We built houses out of cardboard boxes, looked for household items in the JCPenney catalog, and cut out scrapbook paper for the wallpaper. I think we even planned out vegetable and flower gardens. It was a glorious, sun baked, laughter filled, friendship cementing, memory making summer. It was the type of summer where, looking back, you wish you could live it all again. 

                It was in the midst of these moments that something extraordinary happened—although at the time it seemed completely ordinary. There was no way I could have known that one simple decision would have a rippling effect that would slowly change and shape my life over the next fifteen years. 

                I have always a passion, boarding on obsession, for reading and it was no different that summer. My friend and I probably spent half that summer either at the library or reading what we'd checked out. The one series I remember most vividly was the Christy Miller books by Robin Jones Gunn. We instantly fell in love with them and spent years afterwards reading and rereading the books. I remember long phone conversations where we would sit forever just talking about them. To this day they hold a special place in my heart.

                The series followed the life of a girl named Christy through her high school and college years. At the beginning of the series Christy’s relationship with the Lord isn’t the greatest but her relationship with him slowly grows through each book. By the end of the series she has transformed into a young woman who loves the Lord and desires to follow his will no matter where it might lead her.

                In book twelve Christy is in Europe on a mission trip with some of her friends. Halfway through her friend Tracy shares a poem with her that she had written years ago for the guy she liked. 

Within my heart a garden grows,

Wild with violets and fragrant rose.

Bright daffodils line the narrow path,

My footsteps silent as I pass.

Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;

I kneel in prayer to seek God’s best.

For ‘round my garden a fence stands firm

 To guard my heart so I can learn

Who should enter and who should wait

on the other side of my locked gate.

I clasp the key around my neck and wonder if the time is yet.

If I unlock the gate today,

Would you come in? Or run away?

                The poem sits heavy on Christy’s heart and over the next couple of chapters she begins to think about what it means in relation to her relationship with God and guys. In one of the very last chapters of the book she prays this prayer: 

“Lord Jesus I want you to hold the key. I want You to decide what should happen
in my heart’s garden. I want You to let in or send out anything or anybody You want. Especially with guys. I don’t want to ever unlock that gate again. I want You to open it only when the right man comes along. Take the key, Lord. Take all my keys. I’ll wait for You.”

Christy’s decision resonated within my own heart and I found myself praying the same prayer. I don’t remember the exact words I used, but I remember handing the key over to God freely giving up my rights to the key and the door to my heart. I didn’t know it at the time but that simple prayer changed my life forever. There are days when I wonder if I would have so willingly given up the key had I truly understood what I was giving up and what it meant for my future. However, looking back, I am immensely glad my teenage-self made that promise. It may have altered my life forever and led me down paths I would never have chosen for myself, but it has also deepened my relationship with God and set me on an amazing journey I would never have traveled if I hadn’t given up the key.

                I’d given up the key but I still fully expected to grow up and get married quickly. I had always believed I didn’t need to date until I was at least eighteen because the relationship couldn’t go anywhere until then. However, I’d also believed I would date at eighteen or shortly thereafter. I hadn’t planned on going to college or living by myself. No, my dream was to grow up (18 or 19 being grown-up), meet the man God had for me, get married, and we’d start our lives together. Only thing was, in the midst of my dreaming I apparently never stopped to ask what God’s plan was. 

                Eighteen quickly passed and then nineteen with no prospects in sight. I left for college and expected to meet someone. Twenty came and went as did twenty-one. Twenty-two quickly followed with twenty-three close behind. Still there was no one and I began to wonder what God was doing. 

Years passed and never once did God even hint he was going to open the gate. At some point I began to imagine the walls surrounding my heart resembled the walls of the garden from The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. Overgrown with ivy and hidden from the world. The gate, previously easily found, now seemed to be firmly concealed by solid inches of green foliage. 

I’m not going to say I understand what God was doing or that I fully accepted it at times. In fact there have been days and nights over the years where I have ranted and raved at God and there have been many, many, many tears shed over his decision, but each time God has calmly held out the key and asked if I would like it back. However, despite the days when I bemoan my single state, I’ve never wanted possession of the key. I want to know that when the gate finally opens it was because God chose to open it not me.

                Despite my reluctance in God’s plan from time to time I’ve always had the reassurance that should he ever open the gate it would because a guy cared enough to search for my heart in God and all the pain and questioning in the world could never measure up to this knowledge.

                Twenty-six years of life have passed without a single hint of God moving to open the gate. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never even had a crush on a boy. Oh sure, I’ve thought boys where cute and I wouldn’t mind if they decided to look my way, but I was never hurt when they didn’t. There are days when I’ve wondered if I’m normal. If my lack of feelings means there’s something wrong with me, but I’ve finally come to the understanding that I am perfectly normal, only God has locked up my heart and when the time is right he’ll know. I know it sounds funny, but somehow I know I’m just waiting for his permission to finally fall in love.

                I don’t always like sharing my story because people cast me funny looks when I tell them and look at me as though I’m a little crazy. It’s easier to just let it be and let people think I’m really picky or prefer to be single, but God has placed a burden on my heart to share my story. Over the past two years he has been demonstrating how he is lover of my soul and the relentless pursuer of my heart. He wants me to understand all I need is him and place him first within my life. There is nothing that I should long for more than him.

                Two years ago I read Captivated by Grace by Dr. David Jeremiah followed by Captivating by John and Stacy Eldredge. What God showed me there was absolutely, life-stopping, astounding. From those pages I began to see a God who desired me above all else. A God who’d spent every moment of my life pursuing me, looking for my attention. I’d always wanted a man to notice me, to love me, and to pursue me. As a woman this something God has engrained into my heart and I’d spent my life searching for it when all along God was whispering What about me? I want you. Notice me.

My female heart longed for someone who would go to the ends of the world for me. Someone who would fight dragons in my name, bring me flowers, call me up just to say he’s thinking about me, and brag to everyone he knew that I was his girl. I have yet to find an earthly man who will do these things for me, but I have found someone else who will. Instead of bringing me flowers he makes them sprout just for me. He never has to call me up because he never leaves my side. Angels rejoice because he calls me his. And he really did go to the ends of the world and fight dragons for me. His love is incomparable and I am covered in it.

And that is what this series is about. It’s about the God who wants you more than life itself and will fight death just for you. His love is immeasurable and overflowing. Make no mistake he’s not passively waiting for you; he’s actively at work pursuing you just waiting for the day you wake up and notice.

Through Fire and Water

            
   

             Ever wonder what God is doing? Why he seems to sit up in heaven and dictate that horrible things happen? Life seems to being going good when WHAM! he hits us with problem after problem. So we sit here down on our knees pushed there by circumstances out of our control looking to heaven with confusion and hurt. Why God? we question. Why must these things happen? Life seems to fall down around us causing us to bend beneath the weight of a load we feel incapable of bearing. This is usually the point where tears spill and our trust in God is tested. 

            A month ago I sat before the computer writing a post about trust. At the time I felt a measure of pride in the fact that I had learned to trust God with the future of my heart. I’d handed it over to him trusting he’d take care of it. See, I thought, I’m really doing great in the trust department, but in the process of writing about trusting God to handle our futures I realized that while I may have trusted him with my heart I wasn’t trusting him with the everyday ins and outs of my life.

            As is the case when God begins to work in my life every little thing seemed to test my trust in his sovereignty over my life. The noises that go bump in the night ate away at my nerves, money ran tighter then I’d planned, and million other small things piled on top of each other.

The Sunday before Christmas I sat in church debating whether or not I should give my tithe for the current paycheck because I knew there was no way I could make both it and rent.  But as I sat there I felt God asking me if I trusted him. 

“Yes,” I argued, “but money is tight and it would only be this one pay check.” 

“Do you trust me?” He asked again

“Yes God, but-”

“Miranda, do you trust me? “

How do you argue against the creator of the universe? Unwilling to admit I might not trust him as much as I wished I gave my tithe hoping against hope that he would come through and meet my needs. A small part of me was excited to see what God would do. Would he somehow make extra money appear? Cover my rent in some hitherto unseen way? I waited for over a week, half in hope, half in fear, that he would meet my needs. Rent was due Tuesday, payday was still 3 days way and nothing had changed save that my bank account was little smaller and my faith, thankfully, a little stronger. During that time I prayed that God would delay the cashing of the check until at least Friday morning so that my paycheck would cover the deficit. I turned my check in and trusted God. Then Wednesday morning my car went up in smoke.

            Actual literal smoke that billowed out of my hood making me a little afraid the whole thing was about to go up in flames. Thankfully no flames occurred but my car was toast, or at least toast until I could a new radiator. I’d known it was on its way out but I’d been praying and hoping it’d hold out long enough for me to get taxes back so I could afford to replace it. 

            I stood next to my car in the falling snow and freezing temperatures trying with all my will-power to trust God knew what he was doing. I told myself I wouldn’t cry because I knew God was in control and he had a reason for the demise of my car, but after several failed attempts to get ahold of someone to help me or at least give me advice (namely my dad and a mechanic friend) I broke down and cried. I sat on my couch telling myself over and over that I didn’t need to cry but the tears refused to stop. Honestly though, I think the tears helped. I figuratively rested my head on God’s shoulder and cried out my frustration and lack of understanding knowing that he understood my problems.

            Before the whole smoking car incident I’d been headed out to my favorite coffee shop to work on some posts I’d been having trouble writing. I’d spent that morning praying that God would give me the right words to effectively get the message I wanted to portray across. Only I never made it there. So instead of sitting at a table drinking coffee I sat in my dirty living room sipping tea and struggling to understand the way God works. In between trying to make calls and trying not to cry it suddenly occurred to me that God may have caused my car to die because it would make a great illustration and because he wanted me to learn to trust him. At the thought I burst into hysterical laughter punctuated by bursts of tears. I laughed because I could totally see God procuring such plan and I cried for the exact same reason.

            I’ll be the first to admit I don’t understand the way God works. He knew I was already having money problems and yet he allowed my car to break down. My ONLY car. And yet over the next week of waiting for it to be fixed he met my every need. I rarely work day shifts and yet I had three that week making it easier to find rides to and from work, there was a special on rental cars so I was able to rent a car for three days for the less than half the regular price, I had my first Friday off in over six months, it was my weekend off, and last but not least, my dad was able to find a radiator for less than a $100 plus he drove 2 ½ hours just to replace it. God worked in the midst of my problem to show that he was faithful to meet my needs even when I failed to fully trust his wisdom. 

            However, God apparently wasn’t done teaching me to trust him. As Dad worked on my car, the following Wednesday, I discovered that I have some health issues I had no idea existed. I now have doctor’s appointments and tests coming up, but I believe this is just one more test placed in my path by God. Each week it seems as though something progressively worse happens but I have choice. I can sit in worry and doubt or I can choose to trust that God has my life in his hands. I much prefer to trust. It comes with less worry and less stress. 

            God has a plan. A plan I can’t see or understand, but all he’s asking is that I fully give each day to him trusting that whether I fall or rise he’s in control. I don’t believe that my health issues will come to anything, but on the off chance that they do I’m going to trust that he has a direction he’s headed and I’m just along for the ride. A journey that is indescribably good even with the ups and downs life delivers. 

            A couple of weeks ago I read Psalm 66 and three verses caught my attention. I wasn’t even sure why except something in them tugged at my heart. I considered writing a post on them, but as I didn’t fully understand what God was trying to say to me through them I left it alone, but almost daily I would go back and read them finding comfort in the words. 

            In the last week I’ve come to the conclusion that God gave them to me because he knew what he was about to do in my life and that I would need the encouragement they brought and as such I believe they fit perfectly with the message of this post.

Psalm 66:10-12

For you, O God, tested us;

you refined us like silver.

You brought us into prison

and laid burdens on our backs.

You let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and water,

but you brought us to a place of

abundance.

Remember the first paragraph? The one where we feel overburdened with a load we cannot bear? We get to that point because we NEED to be at that point. We get there because God wants us to be past our capabilities because he wants us to realize we need him. We’re not promised a life of ease. God is going to send us through the hard times to refine us and make us more like him. There are going to be situations in life that make us feel as though we’ve been beat down but that’s because we aren’t letting God bear the burden. We’re trying to get through on our own and we’re failing miserably leaving us feeling wrung out and tired, incapable of dealing with anything else. 

For most of us he has asked us to walk paths we never thought we’d walk. Life has a way of turning out completely different then the way we’d planned. There are always turns and bumps in the road we never expect and sometimes the road leads us somewhere we never intended to be.

For some it might be the marriage that didn’t turn out the way they’d hoped or maybe it’s the relationship that never happened (i.e. singleness). For other’s it could be an abusive relationship, the loss of a child, an illness that ravages themselves or a loved one, or the loss of a much need job. 

            Life sometimes feels like it’s beating us down until there’s nothing left to beat out of us. We feel lost and out of control and we want nothing more than for life to return to normal. Where loved ones are well, a regular paycheck is coming in, and our relationships are healthy and normal. Only life doesn’t always work that way. We set our plans but the Lord’s prevails. 

I admit, don’t always like the Lord’s plans. In fact sometimes I think they down right stink. But I also know that his ways are higher than mine and just because I’m stuck in a moment (or years) where I don’t like what he’s doing doesn’t mean that the end result isn’t a good one. Chances are I probably won’t understand a lot of what he’s doing until I get to heaven but that just means I need to learn to trust. Trust that he loves me, trust that wants the best for me, and trust that he works good for me. In the midst of trials sometimes it’s hard to see that God has a plan that could ever come to good, but his ways are not our ways and because of that we can’t always see or understand where he’s going. 

Going back to Psalm 66 the first time I read it I thought the “place of abundance” meant he’d bring us to a physical place of abundance, but I’ve come to understand that while God can lead us to a place of physical comfort and plenty, what it really means is that in the midst of trial we will come to find that God offers the richness of his joy, comfort, and peace within our souls. It’s not a physical state but rather a spiritual one. One I’d take most days over any riches this world can offer, not to say there aren’t going to be days where I just want to enjoy earthly pleasures, but the joy and peace of God offers far more than this world ever could.

In conclusion I just want to say my rent check wasn’t cashed until I got paid (thank you God!) and I can’t wait (said somewhat sarcastically) to see what he has planned for next week! ;) Also it was pointed out to me that I was spending money on coffee when I had rent to pay. For anyone who noticed the same thing I just want to say I had a gift card. :)  

Isaiah 43:1-3b

But now, this is what the Lord says—

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

 the flames will not set you ablaze.

 For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.