Tearing Down in order to Build Up

           I was recently going through the some old paper’s trying to find some something for a Christmas gift I’m working on when I came across a homemade book I’d made as a teenager. In it I’d compiled a bunch of different writings I’d written at the time. 

I cried my way through the whole thing.  A few because of the memories they evoked, but other’s because they convicted me of a sin I hadn’t wanted to see.

                As a teen I keenly felt the emotions of those around me. Now that I am older I know that it was because God has gifted me with the gift of empathy, but at the time I didn’t know how to process all of the emotions that I constantly felt bombarding me. I had the wacky mood swings and changes of a teenage girl plus those I’d pick up from people around me. 

I could barely stand to be around people, other than my family, for more than a couple days at a time because I’d feel so drained and tired. I think this stemmed from personality as an introvert, but I believe my ability to perceive other’s emotions also played a part. It wasn’t until I was older that I learned to build a wall against other’s emotions making it easier to deal with more people for longer periods of time. Plus, I finally left the hormones of my teenage years behind making life so much easier!

Reading through my old writings one in particular hit me hard. It was the one that brought me to my knees in tears and sorrow. I want to share it with you today in order to show what God was doing in my heart then and now (be forewarned it’s not very well written).

A Whispering Wind

A whisper in the wind, a voice
              calling me to some place unknown.
              A whisper in the wind, some voice
              is gently whispering in my ears
             the hurts of others.

A whisper in the wind is gently
              calling me to a place I know
           not where.

A voice in the wind is calling my name
           to heal the hurts of others.

Who is calling me to these places?
              Who’s voice am I hearing in the wind
               wind gently calling my name?
               Who but God can whisper on the wind
             to tell me the hurt of another?

So as I hear Him calling I answer,
             “Through a heart full of pain for another
              you are calling, so I will go
            as you tell me; to a world of broken hearts
           I will go to help heal another.”

                God had been working in my heart as teen to help those who were hurting and broken. I had no idea how he wanted to use me only that he had burden my heart with the hurts of others. I believe that God gives each of us gifts and talents to in order to carry out the plans he has for our lives. He had given me empathy for a reason and he was calling me towards a plan greater than myself, but this is also the point where here sin first started to creep in. 

I began building walls and constructing a shell around my heart to keep the pain out. It hurt too much to constantly feel that others were hurting and be unable to do anything about it. Soon I became impervious to much of the brokenness around me. I no longer felt the call to mend broken and battered lives. I didn’t even notice the call was gone at first because I was reveling in the silence of my own heart. I longer felt as though I was constantly battered about from emotions on all sides or that I would break down and cry in the solitariness of my room every time I came in contact with someone who was broken. 

Over time I began to notice though. Something would happen and my heart wouldn’t be moved the way it used to be. It bothered me a little but not enough to change. I knew what lay on the other side my wall and I didn’t want to go there. I prayed that God would soften my heart to the things that broke his, but only if I could keep most of my wall, I was willing to let some of it go, but not all of it.

I think God began a long time ago to chip away at my wall. Breaking down little pieces here and there, slowly tearing down the shell I had hid behind for so long. I think the first big break through came when I started writing again. I’d given up writing somewhere in my late teens. Nothing I ever wrote had seemed right to me and the creativity I’d had before seemed to have dried up and left, and yet two years ago on cold day in March God prodded me to write again and this time, instead of pen and paper, I picked up a computer and started a blog. 

I never had any intention of starting a blog and yet somehow in the space of a day and half I suddenly had one. I believe this where God first started his some of his biggest work within my life. He showed me things about the world around me that I had failed to notice for years and he gave me back a passion for the broken and hurting once again. 

Yet I still resisted letting my walls completely down, but God didn’t let up. Despite my stubbornness he continued his relentless pursuit of me. He kept bringing people, books, and events into my life that slowly forced me to crack the shell I had hidden in for so long.

Today on the floor of my bedroom I cried tears of guilt and sorrow as I realized for the first time what I had done. I had never seen my walls as a sin. To me they were a means of protection and comfort, but in building my walls I had stifled the voice of God. 

This past month God has been chiseling away at my walls harder than he has in years. I can feel them crumbling around me and you know what? I found that I much prefer this side of the wall. Yes, I feel like I might cry over everything and my heart hurts more than it has in a long time but I’ve come to realize that it’s okay. God is breaking my heart for what breaks his and I want it no other way. 

I like to hide myself from the world in order to protect myself from pain and hurt, but I can’t hide if I’m to be part of God’s work. I need to be all in even when it hurts, even when there’s joy and when there’s pain. I can’t half-heartedly do the will of God. He is calling me to part of something greater but in order to truly be a part of this great work God is calling all of me even the part that still suffers from sin and imperfection. He knows I’m not perfect and I never will be. All he’s asking is that I truly try each day to be like him; every day shedding a little more of the old me in order to grow into the person he’s calling me to be. It’s not going to easy and it’s going to hurt but in the end I’m guaranteed it’s going to be worth it.

I still have a long ways to go in tearing down walls, especially since three quarters of the time I don’t even notice they’re there. However, God knows what needs to go, so as long as I am pliable he’ll work in me and together we’ll continue to tear down the things that hinder me from fully following him.

A Great and Noble Task- Part Two

I read a blog today. A blog written by a beautiful young lady whose heart for God seems bigger than mine could ever be. The way she writes slips into my heart and makes me weep. The emotions she emits from the written page stagger me and once I again I question my own writing talent. How could I ever write like that? To take words and make something more with them? To wring emotion from the heart and make people really feel what I am trying to say? To make a difference in someone’s life because of the words I’ve written? And you know the answer I find within me? I can’t. 

The voice that never truly goes away whispers those two little words and I believe it every time. No matter what anyone tells me, no matter how much I may like something I’ve written, that voice is always there whispering doubt in and every time, without fail, I believe it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever silence the voice or that I’ll ever see greatness within my own works, but I’ve been learning something lately; that each of us has been given an extraordinary gift by God. This precious gift was given by God for the sole purposes of serving him, to bring glory to name, and to further his kingdom.

Glorious tasks, and yet I look on my gift with derision, constantly comparing it to others. I don’t necessarily see it as gift given to bring glory to his name or to serve him. All I can see are my own imperfections and weaknesses. The little voice in my head constantly whispers that I’m not good enough or that no one will ever read what I’ve written so why even try?

But here’s what I am learning: My gift was given with a purpose. Do I know what this purpose is? No. Will I ever? I don’t know. Do I believe that God will use it? Yes. Do I want to know why? Um…YES!!! I want to know that my gift is worthwhile and benefiting the world, but I also understand that there are things I may never be privy to. There is a reason why he gave me this particular gift and even though I may never know why, I will trust him.

I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. I think most of us are cursed with this particular weakness. We either don’t see the gift we bear or we compare it to the gifts of others effectively stopping ourselves from ever using it. 

            Comparison is an ugly thing. It robs dreams and steals joy. And yet each of us does it every day in small ways and big ways. It’s not an easy thing to get rid of and in some instances becomes a security blanket. We use it as an excuse to never try because if we never start we’ll never fail. 

            Satan uses our insecurities and fears against us because if he can stop us before we ever begin we’ll never change the world with the God. So he whispers lies and we’re all too willing to believe them because we’re prone to comparing ourselves to others. So the lies slip in along with the fears. 

I believe Satan rejoices in these moments. He does everything he can to stop us from using the gifts we been given because they are some the greatest weapons we have in the war against him. Our gifts have been given to edify (encourage) the body of Christ, to help bring a lost world to Christ, and to glorify the name of God; all things the devil hates and yet we suppress them because so many times we believe them to be inferior to the gifts given to others. 

We’re afraid that our gift won’t meet up to our expectations or the expectations of others. We’re terrified we might fail, that we might not be good enough or talented enough which causes the value of our gift to be diminished in our own sight. The sad thing is by listening to our fears we are effectively stopping the work of the Holy Spirit.

I think our lives are a bit similar to butterfly trapped in its cocoon. Just like that butterfly we’re trapped in our own cocoons of doubt, insecurity, and excuses. We have to unwind ourselves from the lies we’ve wrapped ourselves in if we ever want to achieve God’s full work within our lives. If we live within our cocoon of doubts and insecurities we’re really telling God that we don’t trust him and that he made a mistake when chose us. When we let go of these insecurities and doubts and let God have full reign of our gifts I think we must feel a bit like that butterfly the first time it unfurls its wings upon exiting the cocoon. There is a sense of freedom and joy incomparable to thing else. 

Recently I was talking with a friend who works with broken and hurting adults who’ve had horrendous pasts. She shared how there are so many days when she feels she lacks the skills and life experiences to truly  minster and reach out to the people she works with. 

My friend grew up in a loving home with parents who provided for their children not only physically but spiritually as well. A blessing she thanks God for, but there are days when the blessings come with feelings of guilt because of the pain and hurt she sees in others. These blessings leave her feeling as though she cannot truly understand and empathize with her clients. Despite her feelings of inadequacies she rejoices in her blessings and continues to push on because she knows that God has called her to this place.

She may not feel equipped to handle the mission God has called her to, but you know what I see? Where there is gloom I see a young woman shining bright for the Lord—a light that draws those in darkness in. Where the world is hard, I see softness. I see someone who is pliable in the hands of God and is growing. I see someone who is using the gifts God graced her with. Not many may notice what she is doing, but to a few she may be the light pointing the way to shore. 

Here is young woman living inside the calling God gave her. She has stepped up and begun using the gifts and blessings God has given her even when she feels insufficient. I think this is the best place to be for God uses our insufficiencies to work in marvelous ways. 

            My friend is gifted in ways that I never will be just as she will never be gifted in the same ways I am. Each of us has been made uniquely to complete a purpose God created for us long before we were a twinkle in our mother’s eyes. We just have to be pliable in God’s hands and let him work.

It’s a marvelous thing that God created us all differently with different gifts and talents. That one person may have the gift of teaching while another the gift of serving. The beauty of our gifts is that they differ so much. I know that I don’t have the gift of learning new languages or doing artist endeavors and I probably never will, but that’s okay because I know that others do. Each of us is called to work differently within the body of Christ and we’re each given specific talents to complete these tasks. 

            So many times we think that only certain gifts can be used in the work of the church. Things like teaching, serving, praying, and leading small groups, but these are only a small part of the gifts God has given us. God has graced some with the ability to work construction, run a business, or create things. These things (and so many more) may not be used in the typical setting of a church but they can be used to further God’s kingdom and bring glory to his name. We just have to be willing to be used where God calls us. 

            I also believe that God grants us different gifts at different times in our lives. Someone may not have the gift of leading when they’re young but find that later in life God has blessed them with this particular talent in order to carry out something he has called them to. 

            Just because God hasn’t graced us with a particular gift doesn’t mean that we can’t gain it with hard work. I don’t have the gift of serving but I know that God has called each of us to be servants so I work towards attaining this talent even though it’s hard and I have to consciously push myself to do it. The same with music. I can’t play piano but with hard work and determination I could learn to play and use it within the church. 

            It is important to use the gifts given to us. Just a muscle that is not used weakens and wastes away so to do our gifts and talents. They may still be present but without use they weaken and deteriorate. When we let ourselves believe the lies Satan feeds us and let our gifts fall to the wayside they often become unnoticed and forgotten never being used for their true purpose: God’s work within the world.  If we just let go of our fears and let the glory God has given us shine through just think of what we could accomplish with him in this dark world. I guarantee we will find joy and peace, even amongst hardships and trials, if we just let God work in us towards his purposes.

~~~~~~~~

                        When I was young the Lord gave to me a box; a gift wrapped shiny and bright. He smiled gently and quietly spoke, “Here is a gift made especially for you. None other has a gift just like it. It will aid you as you walk each day so use it well.”     
             At first I marveled that so wonderful a gift would be given to such as I, but once the first  awe subsided I began to worry that my gift might not be as good as those others had receive. What if it wasn’t as useful as theirs? Worse, what if when I opened my package and brought it out for all to see, they laughed instead of marveled?
             So in fear and trepidation I set my gift upon the shelf to afraid to see what God had granted. Uncertainty stilled my hand and so year upon year it sat upon the shelf gathering dust and yellowing with age. My fear held me captive despite my desire to see what lay within.
           Finally, after years of disuse, when life’s bright flame began to flicker and fade within my breast, my desire to look overcame my fear. I took the box from its shelf and carefully tore the wrapping away. With great care I lifted the lid to gaze upon the gift I waited so long to see, but to my dismay I found the box empty and hollow.
            In hurt and anger I turned to the Lord and showed him the box filled with nothing but air.
           “My child,” he gently responded, “When I gave you the box it was full, but the longer you ignored your gift the more it diminished. Your gift was not meant to be forgotten and laid aside--it was created to be used. Great things could have been accomplished with such a gift if you had just opened and used it. The only thing left now is the knowledge of what could have been.”

Roadblock

As stated in my last post I've been working on the second part of "A Grand and Noble Task," but for some reason I've been having a really hard time getting what I want to say down in writing. I've rewritten it four times now and it still doesn't flow the way I want it to. I'm not sure why it's so hard to write. Maybe Satan doesn't want me write it or maybe it's just not the right timing. I honestly don't know (although I'm inclined to believe the former).

Despite my writer's block I'm going to keep trying work on it and hopefully sometime in the near future I'll get it posted for you all to read! I just wanted to give an update as to why it's been taking so long!

In the mean time I hope you all have wonderful October! I hear we're suppose to get snow here tomorrow already. I can't say I'm too sad! ;)

God Bless,
Miranda

A Great and Noble Task- Part One

What do you fear, my lady? "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire."

 -Aragon to Eowyn in Lord of the Rings.

Who hasn’t felt this way?  To feel the need to accomplish something worthwhile and lasting? I think all of us wish to accomplish something that will impact the world as we know it. To feel our lives have played a valuable and key role, not only in the lives around us, but in the lives of people we’ve never met. We long to accomplish great and noble tasks.

I think this desire is placed in every heart; to play a valuable role in an adventure and know that the story couldn’t have been completed without us. Why were we created this way? With a longing to accomplish a great and noble task when it seems like most people never do? We want to change the world and yet nothing ever seems to change. Where is the glory, the excitement, the feeling of accomplishment? We pray for God to show where he wants us so we can begin our great task of saving the world with him and yet it seems like the assignment is never given. Live goes on just as it always has and our grandiose dreams fall along the way side. Once in a while we remember them and try to pick them up again but they never go anywhere. We find we’re stuck in the drudgery of life forever plodding onward all the while seemingly watching others sail on towards better and brighter dreams.

            Helen Keller once uttered these powerful words, “I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” Amazing words to live by, but the problem is I don’t long to do accomplish small tasks; I want the great and noble ones. The ones people hear about, read about, and remember long afterwards. Not some piddly everyday boring ones and yet God is calling me to be faithful in the small things. 

Here’s the thing:  I hate the small things. I just want to skip them and move on to bigger and better things, but I’m beginning to understand that the small things can be just as important as the big ones. Just because they’re not noticed doesn’t mean they’re not worthwhile; sometimes the small things must be accomplished in order for the big things to come about. 

            In Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) Paul tells us that, “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” God has tasks for each one of us to accomplish. Whether they are big or small isn’t what’s important, what is important is the fact he’s called us to them. Sometimes we feel that our task is unimportant and unneeded, but if God has called us to it it’s more than likely more important than we realize. 

I am reminded of this every time I think of the epiglottis. The epiglottis is a small flap in your throat that acts as like a trapped door in order to stop food, liquids, and salvia from getting into your trachea. If we didn’t have this small, unnoticed flap, food and liquids would quickly accumulate in our lungs making the chances of asphyxiating much, much higher.

Another great illustration are the brakes on your car. Obviously your brakes are a very important part of operating your car. Without them your chances of getting into an accident blossoms exponentially. When you get in your car and start driving you trust that the person who worked on your car did their job and did it well, right? But what if the day you brought your car in the person fixing them decided they were tired of doing the same thing day after day. So instead of thoroughly doing their job they did just the bare minimum to get by. It wasn’t like their job was all that important after all. I mean people get their brakes fixed every day, right? It wasn’t some big exiting thing; and yet, in the long term, it was. If the mechanic doesn’t do his job correctly he could cause your death and several others. It only takes one person to forever change the life of another.

Think about the long reaching effects of this one man’s (or woman’s) decision. It has consequences that reach far beyond themselves. Still think the small things are unimportant? Sure they’re not glamorous or even fun most of the time, but they’re still so important. What we do every day affects the world around us even if we can’t see how our tasks could ever impact society or even another’s life. The epiglottis is unseen, unheard, and unnoticed, but its role is still vitally important.

We might think our roles in life small inconsequential but the smallest unseen things can make the biggest differences in someone's life; differences we may never know about. One of the greatest preachers of history (Charles Spurgen) was brought to the Lord by a shoemaker who took the place of the minister on a snowy Sunday morning. Do you think we know his name today? No, we don’t, but by bringing one man to the Lord, he brought thousands. Or what about the man who brought Billy Graham to the Lord? I bet there are very few people who could name him off the top of their head. We all want to make our mark on history but for many of us our mark may be more the subtle quiet mark left by an ordinary person living out the small tasks given by God in great ways.

Each morning awake up the reminder that words you speak and the actions you live out may mean more to a passing stranger than you will ever know in this life. So don’t give up on the small things because the everyday actions of an ordinary life may very well change lives.

-Part Two coming soon

Update

Hello all! :D

I know it's been awhile since I posted something and I wanted to give a brief update as to why. My goal this summer was to post something every week if not every two weeks but as you can see that didn't happen! Life manages to get away from me and before I know it weeks have gone by!

I currently have about 12 different ideas (if not more) floating through my head, which, if you can believe it, is actually a hindrance to actually getting anything written! I can never decide which one I want to work on next! Aside from that I am also working on a large project that I don't want to post until I have it better organized and more of it written.

So to make a long story short it may be sometime before I post again. Of course a burst of inspiration might hit and I'll suddenly have something new to post but I'm not holding my breath! ;)

I'm also hoping to revamp the outlay of my blog and add a few more parts to it, but along with having too many idea's swirling through my head I am also moving, working two jobs, and training at work for a new system. So at present I've decided to put it on hold.

I hope you've all had a wonderful summer and are looking forward to the coming fall! It's one of my favorite times of the year and I have to admit I'm looking forward to colorful leaves, cups of tea, hot soups, and afternoons cuddled up with a good book or idea to write about!


-Miranda