Growing Pains

“Life is a desperate quest through dangerous country to a destination that is, beyond all our wildest hopes, indescribably good.”
-Anonymous

The journey of getting to know the God who is relentlessly pursuing us is a life changing procedure. Throughout it all he is molding us, changing us, and making us into his image.  It’s not easy nor is it a simple process. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to painful.  

I think I started this journey not realizing that. I should have known. I mean I’ve always accepted that growing in the Lord can be painful.  It’s a teaching that has been ground into me since I was young. Jesus even said in John 15 that just as the farmer prunes away the old, the dead, and the diseased parts of a vine in order to bring a better healthier life to it, so too does he prune us in order to make us more like him day by day.

When I started on this journey of learning to see God as the ultimate prince and lover of my soul, I only saw the glory and wonder of it. I could see that I was drawing nearer to the heart of God and it was changing me, but I still hadn’t felt the pain of growth yet. I was living in rose tinted world where everything seemed wonderful. I knew I was on the mountain top and I was loving it, but I knew the low was lurking around the corner and I was afraid for the valley to come. But time passed and the valley never came. Sure there are little bumps in the road, like forgetting to read my Bible, finding time each day to spend with God, or maybe a sin would pop up that I would fight God on for a while, but overall everything was great and I was growing. I began to think that the valley was never coming. That maybe I’d hit a plateau and everything would remain the way it was. I was content with that. I loved how things going and had no desire for them to change.

But the valley did come, and let me tell you it’s not easy to make sure I’m reading my bible or making time for God when it seems as though nothing changes. That no matter how much I give nothing is given back.  I know that God is still there and that even in the desert we grow, but it’s hard to see that when we’re going through it. Honestly, giving time to God has probably been harder because I’ve been depressed. I don’t know if the depression has come from hitting the valley or if the valley was caused by the depression. I’ve hit brief patches of depression before but manage to bounce back pretty quickly. This time is different though. I don’t really understand how, but I know it is.

I’m not suicidal only that some mornings it’s hard to get out of bed. Sometimes I’d rather just sleep my day away--at least I don’t have to deal with the world that way. Joy is harder to find, but I search for ways to find it. Sometimes the only thing I can do is pray for God to change my attitude and help me find joy in my day. This is a time in my life where I must learn to lean on God. He’s the one that gets me through the day. He knows my hurts and how desperately I need him.

I’m not sharing this because I want sympathy or because it’s a cry for help. Honestly I wasn’t even going to share this at all when I started writing today, and yet, somehow it’s worked its way in and I can’t help but think that God wanted me to share it.  In the end I’m glad because this low period is still a part of my journey on this grand voyage. A part that’s integral in my growth.

I am grateful for this valley because it’s teaching me to lean on God more. To know that he is there even when I can’t feel him. That no matter how weak I feel he is the shoulder I can lean on and no matter how bad I feel God is still Lord of all. Everything is in his hands and I can rest in that knowledge. Life happens and this is just a part of it. I know in that in time it will pass. Maybe not today or even next week, but someday soon it will pass.

I just have to realize that just like any journey there’s going to ups and downs, highs and lows. There’s going to be days were I encounter unyielding deserts, seemingly uncrossable oceans, and storms that rage, but I know that despite these moments I’m also going to find the good, the refreshing, and the uplifting times as well. 

Through it all I know I can say

 

BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD

For he is unfailing good.

Distractions

When my sister, Molly, was little my family would go often go skiing at the local ski resort.  On this particular trip Molly, who was 6 at the time, was skiing with my mom and younger sister Amy. During one of their trips up the hill they ran into my brother Micaiah and some of their friends. When Molly saw them all together she decided she wanted to go with them instead of with Mom. Mom, however, wanted her to stay with her and Amy so she told her no. Molly didn’t like this to much so when Mom wasn’t looking she took off with Micaiah and her friends.  

Now you have to understand Molly is typically a very obedient and complacent child, which is why this behavior was very unexpected. I’m sure in those moments when my mom realized that Molly was gone she immediately felt that sick, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that only comes from losing a child. For anyone who’s lost a child, no matter how short a duration, those feelings will be remembered as the most horrible, gut-wrenching feelings they’ve ever experienced, it’s a moment forever etched in memory. 

My mom searched those hills top to bottom trying to find my sister and when she finally did, she found Molly in tears. Molly knew that what she had done was wrong and the guilt was eating away at her. She told Mom through her tears that she was sorry and that she knew she was wrong.  Mom was of course happy to have found Molly and also happy to know that Molly had realized that what she had done was wrong and was remorseful for having disobeyed.

I think this story applies to many of our lives. We tend to leave God because we see something we want more. We’re easily distracted by life’s pleasures and promises.  In the movie “UP,” Dug, a talking dog, is speaking to another character with great enthusiasm. While talking he is distracted mid-sentence by a squirrel and suddenly shouts out. He doesn’t care that he is talking only that something interesting caught his eye. Just like Dug we’re easily distracted from our relationship with God. Something interesting crosses our view and suddenly all it’s all we can think about. Just like Molly we leave God for the something we think we desire more (maybe not always intentionally), but really all we need and want is him. Without him we find we’re lost and alone even among those we know. The good news is that while we may have left him, he never left us. He still there just waiting for us to turn around and run back into his arms.